I had my last visit with my psychiatrist today through the program I found her. We're keeping my meds the same. Although adding lithium to the list was discussed. We decided we'd let that option be explored when I find a permanent psychiatrist.
The whole morning was filled with anxiety as I dealt with the drive and then the meeting. I find it difficult to determine if the medication is working or not. What's normal? What's not? My gut wants to say nothing is working. But I can't be certain of that. I've tried so many medications it's unreal.
On the plus side of the day I managed to clean out all the litter boxes and take a shower. Most of the dirty dishes are in the dishwasher.
I feel the urge to cut again. I think it has more to do with wanting to show the outside world that I hurt inside. As I cut the back of my hands, a place very difficult to hide.
Tonight I go to a healing meditation: Meditative Sound Healing Journey. I'm nervous. I don't meditate well. My mind is so cluttered and out of balance with myself. I'm hoping that by trying these new alternative ways of reaching my true inner core and better understanding myself that I'll find a way to better manage my depression and anxiety.
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