Wednesday, May 28, 2014

What you see and what is reality

It seems so easy. To go out in public. To interact with people. It's easy to see my interactions and assume that I'm doing better.

What people don't see is the tears I shed after making a phone call. A painless, easy phone call.
What people don't see is the pounding of my heart and the shaking of my body as I try to keep the tears at bay. As I try to remind myself that what I did was good and something that was needed to be done.

I went to a wonderful gather a few weekends ago. Good people. Good food. And when my part of the night was through, a safe and comfortable bed to sleep in.
What people didn't see is the frantic me as I ran through the house shaking, packing my bag for the night. Questioning if this was a good idea. My partner reminding me at every turn that this is good for me and that he supported me to go.
That Sunday, I was invited to the Hot Springs with my wonderful Host and Hostess, along with 2 other great friends.
What people didn't see was my heart pounding in my chest.
What people didn't see was my mind second guessing itself.
What people didn't see was my worry that my partner hadn't responded to my texts and I worried about what he thought about my going. (Even though I knew he'd tell me to go and have a good time. Even though I knew that his schedule was full that day and it wouldn't matter if I was at home or elsewhere.)
What people don't see is my need to have permission.
What people don't know is that I'm still learning how to be my own person and how to make my own choices.

My partner was gone this long weekend past. He was camping. Most people there wished I had been there. (Upon hearing about the weather, I'm glad I wasn't.) I kinda went off grid myself.
I didn't post much on Facebook. I didn't blog.
I played World of Warcraft with my family in another state.
I watched more Deep Space Nine (DS9).
I cried.
I took care of the animals.
It rained a lot.
The grass grew too tall, so did the weeds. So I mowed the lawn to avoid a fine from the city.
I anxiously awaited my birthday gift from my long-distance partner whom I've known for over 20 years. (He is my oldest friend.)
Monday I anxiously waited in the evening for my partner to come home. I watched from the living room window and jumped every time a car drove by. Anxiety surrounded me even then.
Anxiety is the scariest things for me. It is something I am unfamiliar with and I do not know how to handle. I'm uncertain if anyone learns how to handle it.
What I do know is that for me, anxiety is crippling. And due to my lack of control over it, I cry and cry, because I can't stop it. Because despite the good I do, it is still overwhelming.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

It's Embarrassing...

It's embarrassing to tell people that I'm on disability.
It's embarrassing that the company who is paying my long term disability is working on the paperwork for me to apply Social Security Disability Insurance.
It's embarrassing that I question everything I do. I questioned the entire time I was at Beltania if I should be there or not.
It was embarrassing that I couldn't push past the anxiety to play a nymph at the Pan Ritual, despite my bringing everything I needed.
It's embarrassing that after I go and do something good that's difficult (something as simple as buying pet food across town) that I cry all the way home repeating to myself that "I did good."
It's embarrassing that I can't remember my social security number and have to try three times before getting it right.
It's embarrassing that I can't handle going places alone and when I do go with someone somewhere I get overwhelmed by the people.
It's embarrassing that I find my triumphs in daily things that shouldn't be difficult, like loading and unloading the dishwasher, like doing laundry, keeping the house clean, dragging my ass out of bed every morning to feed the chickens.
It's embarrassing that I'm in tears as I write these words.
It's embarrassing...

Monday, May 19, 2014

Post Beltania Festival

Beltania was an interesting event this year. Not my best, but I did what I could when I could. The weather was great until the last day, when everything had to be packed away. It rained, it slushed, it hailed and it snowed, and quite honestly the weather wasn't sure what it wanted to do, but the sun couldn't break through and so everything was packed wet. My partner spent 2 extra days there. I packed our site with some help of a few friends. And I drove the Turtle, with a trailer (first time) all the way home (3+ hour drive) in the wet. I got lucky and missed the accidents that clogged traffic. I spent most of Beltania sitting in the car reading so I wouldn't sleep the days away. When I wasn't in the car I was tending fire for a sweat. I did venture to the "Center of the Universe" a few times to see some people I hadn't seen in ages and others that live in my home town that I just haven't had the strength to go visit with.

After that (Monday morning), I unloaded as much as I could, mainly just the Turtle, almost everything in the trailer was too heavy for me to life. I then spent the rest of the week sleeping in bed. I took my meds, I tried to read, I failed to drink any coffee and I just slept. There are a number of reasons why I did this. But I won't go into it, it's all speculation. I found it odd for me to be exhausted when I really didn't do much at the event expect bust my ass breaking down camp. But I slept nonetheless. Time became confusing. I had a date on Wed evening and woke up the next morning with no memory of it. :( It scared me. I'd lost track of time and days. My partner went back to the Beltania site Wed morning with just the Turtle and came home with another trailer.

Saturday I made breakfast, made coffee, drank half a cup got my partner and his two girls fed, when my other partner came over to say that he felt our intimate relationship should end. I cried. I understood. But it hurt nonetheless. In defiance of that news I decided to go to a party 2 hours from home on my own. I'm glad I went. I had a wonderful time. (I also learned that I really need to eat before I drink and that cigars are not my friend.) I stayed the night and the next day we went to the hot springs. It was wonderful. I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life that treat me like there is nothing "wrong" with me and encouraged me to step outside of my comfort zone and welcome me with open arms. It truly is a blessing.

I busted my butt this morning. Due to the rain a lot of the camping gear had to be taken out and dried. Mainly the tents and the blankets from the lodge. We use approximately 30 blankets and have back ups as well. So the blankets are drying and so are the tents. I do these things for my partner. I am home and he is not. I have to push myself to keep the house in order. (Still need to unpack suitcases and put clean clothes away and wash the dirty ones.

After all my hard work this morning I realized that I need to go pick up my meds. I'm paralyzed by the thought. This is absurd. I have things I need to return to friends and I can't even make myself leave the house. I canceled a coffee date for Thursday with someone I've been wanting to sit down and talk with for years now. The hardest thing to admit is that I'm afraid to leave the house.  (At least I could blame finances for not meeting for coffee, but honestly, it's a cop out, a poor excuse to pass up a wonderful opportunity. Update: He's driving all the way up here to treat me to coffee on my birthday! Still nervous as hell. But it causes me to have no reasonable excuses and I'll be in a place I'm comfortable with.) This is how crippling I can be sometimes. I'm trying to live. I'm trying to be happy with the blessings I've been given, I find it hard and difficult though.

Little things. Step by step. One day at a time. But I was productive today and that's saying something. I will have to fight myself hard and go and pick up my meds before the pharmacy closes. I need to make sure the blankets are not blowing into the street.

Saturday, May 3, 2014


Tomorrow my partner and I head out to volunteer at the Beltania Festival. The Turtle (my wonderful SUV) is almost loaded (waiting for the morning to load the coolers and put them in there, along with last minute items that we'll need tonight) and the trailer we borrowed from a friend is loaded.

This evening I make a ton of cookies (over 100) to take, as they are yummy, fun to share with others, and a good pick me up between meals.

I'm about to go and push my limits of my social anxiety. I am the fire tender for 6 sweats for the Sweat Lodge my partner and I run at the festival. I have my coping bag packed with things to help me focus and plenty of people know through my partner to give me space and be a bit more gentle.

I am torn between wanting to go and wanting to just stay at home. I've never felt this way about the Festival before. We've been doing this for 5 years now (I think) and I've always enjoyed going and have always been excited. This year, not so much. Every year is better than the last. I will be doing my best to enjoy myself, and if nothing else, enjoy the outdoors.

Here's to my coping skills and to listening to myself and not allowing things to overwhelm me. As my partner says, "We've got this."

Thursday, May 1, 2014


I live in Colorado. It is legal to obtain marijuana (MJ) for medicinal purposes, and just recently it has become legal on the recreational level as well.

Sadly medicinal MJ can only be obtain in CO by having what is called a Red Card, and from what I understand one can only obtain a Red Card due to chronic pain, cancer and that sort of thing, depression and anxiety are not covered under medicinal law. This is bad news for me, as MJ helps greatly for anxiety, and the right strains of MJ can also help with depression. (

Well, today I decided to bite the bullet and check out the first "recreational" MJ dispensary in town. Anxiety all the way there (I'd forgotten to grab the directions and thus had to go by what I remembered from looking up the information the day before and had written down). The anxiety stemmed from going so far out of my comfort zone, physically, the place is clear across town. I found it, without any problems. The big hang up once I got there was that someone who makes me extremely uncomfortable to be near was standing by the front door. I hadn't see this guy in ages and I had no desire to do so now. So I calmly parked across from the shop and waited for him to leave. All the while my anxiety is wanting to show it's ugly head and run. But I know that I need this. MJ is much better on my body than these bloody anxiety pills.

I finally went in, looking way confused. The shop (Choice Organic) provides for both medicinal and now recreational. I finally figured out that I needed to get my name on a list and they'd call me when someone was ready to assist me. It was about a 20 minute wait. I refused to play with my phone (so many people with their heads down and playing some game or who knows what). I listened and breathed. Did all that I could do to keep the anxiety at bay. I had stopped on the way there and gotten cash, which was a good idea, because I found out they only take cash. My name was finally called and I was let into the actual shop area. Talked to a great guy about what I was looking for and he helped me find the right blend that will help keep my anxiety at bay and lift me up.

All in all it was a pleasant experience. And now that I've done it once I know I can do it again, I'll still have to fight the anxiety, driving that far across town and not knowing who might be sitting in the waiting room with me. But this time I did it.

I've been having a lot of ups and downs. Very short ups and rather rotten downs.

I officially have no insurance. I cannot afford Cobra. I'm hoping soon my partner will be able to add me to his insurance. Thankfully my meds have plenty of refills and I don't need insurance to get them.

Things could be better. Things could be a lot worse.