A New Day: Hope

I had the wonderful joy of meeting a new friend at a coffee shop this morning. She was running late, so I had time to sit and watch the cars drive by, the people come and go, the students studying hard on their laptops. The laughter and joy, the hard work, the company meetings in such a laid back place. It made me glad she was running late.

Our meeting was beautiful and filled me with hope. It showed me that I am not alone and that there is hope. I may have Bipolar II, but I do not have to let it consume me. I have a choice to make every second of everyday of how I will or will not let it make choices for me. This is easy to say, this is easy to think, even in my darkest moment, I know I have a choice to crawl out of that hole and make my day brighter.

I must accept that some days I will win the battle and other days I will not.

My partner and I are looking into alternative therapy for me. He has been so wonderful at standing by me and helping me as I travel down this path that I feel so lost on.

I realized last night that I am lost. I have lost my spiritual path and I do not like it. It is what causes me to question what my purpose is in this life. And so now I seek to find MY path. I seek to find that path that is right for ME. Others may walk the same path, and yet others may find it wrong that I walk MY path. That is their choice and not my own.

I have checked out new books from the library. I am determined to read them this time. I am determined to find wisdom in the words that are written there.

Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change  By Pema Chodron
The Brightened Mind: A simple guide to Buddhist Meditation By Ajahn Sumano Bhikkbhu
No Time To Lose: A Timely Guide to the Way of the Bodhisattva  By Pema Chodron

I shall take my journal and write down what gives meaning to me, what causes me to think, and the rest I will set to the side if it does not speak to me. I do not fear mixing "religions" on my path. There is no one perfect path to follow but the one I choose for myself. It is possible to believe in Christ and his teachings and not be a Christian in the traditional sense.

I know that this will be a life time work. I know that I will not wake up tomorrow with all the answers.

I also know that at this very moment I feel all the hope in the world and that everything will come out great in the end, and yet, in that same though I know that I will stumble, I will fall, it won't be easy. Tomorrow always brings something different. I will meet each new day with new (and old) challenges, and as long as I keep fighting to keep myself safe, to keep myself functioning, there is hope.

Although I have Bipolar II, I will not, I must not, allow it to be all consuming. If I do I will lose everything I've fought so hard for. My wonderful partner works so hard everyday at his job and then comes home and continues to work so hard on helping me become healthy and a functioning member of society. I must acknowledge to him that I see his efforts and am grateful for them and at the same time I must tell and show him that I too am trying as best as I can at this time to find my path, to find the light that I so desperately need and want.

I have the power within myself to be great and powerful, to give back to my community and family what they have given to me. I am truly grateful and thankful for all that I have and all that I continue to receive.

I am loved. I am blessed.

Baby steps.