Monday, July 21, 2014

Pills of the day


I take pills in the morning. I take pills at noon. I take pills at 3pm and I take pills at bedtime. 


I also take meds to help with my anxiety, which can manifest it's self at any time for any reason. Thank the Green Man I live in Colorado! 


I know I've talked about my meds before. It just seems the list grows longer. My alarm goes off all the time to remind me to take my meds. I've managed to follow that regimen regularly. 

I'll be seeing a new psychiatrist soon. Which means we'll most likely play with the meds I'm taking now. 

I'm scared what that will so to me. The with drawl, the possibility that things will get worse, not better. Or, for me, the utter most embarrassment that I'll have to be on some major psychotropic meds. As it is I'm on anti-psychotic meds. 

This is going to be an up hill battle and honestly it scares the living shit out of me. 

Mad World by Tears For Fears Original HQ 1983



All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere
Going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Mad world
Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Mad World
Mad world
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Halargian world
Mad world

Music

Music is a large part of my life. It always has been, even when I was a little girl. I loved to sing at church and I loved singing along to the radio, the latest album my parents bought. Every Christmas my mom's mother would send me a soundtrack to some movie I'd fallen in love with that year.

Last night Skin by Madonna came on randomly and it felt like something I needed to hear.


Do I know you from somewhere
Why do you leave me wanting more
Why do all the things I say
Sound like the stupid things I've said before
Put your hand on my skin
Kiss me, I'm dying
Put your hand on my skin I
close my eyes
I need to make a connection I
'm walking on a thin line
I close my eyes
I close my eyes
Do I know you from somewhere
Why do you leave me wanting more
Why do all the things I say
Sound like the stupid things I've said before
(Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss me)
Touch me, I'm trying
To see inside of your soul I've got this thing
I want to make a connection
I'm not like this all the time
You've got this thing
You've got this thing
Do I know you from somewhere
Why do you leave me wanting more
Why do all the things I say
Sound like the stupid things I've said before
Kiss me, I'm dying
Put your hand on my skin
I close my eyes
I need to have your protection
I close my eyes
I close your eyes
(Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss me)
Do I know you from somewhere
Why do you leave me wanting more
Why do all the things I say
Sound like the stupid things I've said before
Do I know you from somewhere
Why do you leave me wanting more
Why do all the things I say
Sound like the stupid things I've said before
Kiss me, I'm dying
Touch me, I'm trying, ohhhh
I'm not like this all the time
I'm not like this all the time
Put your hand on my skin
Touch me, I'm trying, ohhhh
Put your hand on my skin
Put your hand on my skin
I'm not like this all the time
(kiss, kiss,...)
I'm not like this all the time
(kiss, kiss,...)
I'm not like this all the time
(kiss, kiss, kiss me...)
Put your hand on my skin
Put your hand on my skin

It has been difficult getting affection as my partner isn't certain what will/won't set me off and my mood swings are so irregular it makes intimacy difficult at times. Really, I want to be loved. I have to remind myself that I am loved and then I have to make myself believe it. And I have to work really hard at acknowledging my partner's efforts and not kill them where they stand.  

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Social Media

I have closed my FaceCrack account. As nice as it is getting instant updates from people all over the world. It's really turned into sharing "inspirational" words with some pretty background. (Hell, I know I've posted at least one here.) But it makes me feel like I need to hurry up and get over myself.

I shall repeat again: I have Bipolar II and sever anxiety, including social. This is not something one simply gets over.

Rumor has it can be managed. Assuming you have insurance and money and  blah blah blah. (All the stuff I've already bitched about here.)

For now, my "social media updates" will be done here. My day to day struggles.

This week has been rough. I've been excessively tired for no reason. Very little got done around the house this week because of it.

I verbally lashed out at my SO this morning. I feel so alone and unwanted. I'm told I brought that upon myself. I'll buy that, to a certain point and no further. I will not suffer to be lied to. And I know that if I return to the group I belonged to that I will be lied to. It will be directly to my face. I know that I will be told that "It's so great to see you!" "It's so great to have you back!" Some will mean it. Some will not. And the one that I need to mean it the most will not. This one person will lie to my face about such things. So I stay away. And by doing so I alienate myself from everyone I know.

That's the easy picture. The harder part, the one that isn't so easy to get over is that I struggle every day to get out of bed. That stepping out my door and going somewhere will cause an anxiety attack. I am unable to defend myself. And thus I will break down in tears, words will fail me and I'll be lost in the attempt to understand what is going on around me.

My memory has gotten worse. It's short term memory loss. I've been told it's whole conversations I've forgotten. This scares me the most. I fear forgetting something.

I've put all my bills on auto pay to ensure that I don't forget to get them paid on time. It's only because of this that I am able to "manage" money. I can't. I just don't go out. If I don't spend money then all the bills get paid and I don't have to worry about it.

Today, after my SO left for a day trip to Denver with his girls, and after my lashing out at him. I had great remorse for my actions. It's difficult when you're told that your SO doesn't feel comfortable in our room. It's heart wrenching really. So I hid under the covers and cried as they left. After I'd accused my SO of not loving me and just not wanting to say it. After I told him that I'd just move to my sister's. And I cried because I hated every word that came out of my mouth. Because I was doing this to him, to us.

And, in my typical fashion, manic is what they would clinically call it, I cleaned the house. I cleaned the kitchen. I finally put away the clothes that had been sorted and waiting to be put away for weeks now. I vacuumed the master bedroom, the living room and dining room along with the den, upstairs hallway and even the stairs themselves. I put things away that should have been done so weeks ago, and in some cases several months ago. The laundry is still going and will be all day.

I went and picked up my medication yesterday, really I needed cat litter because I'd let the litter boxes go for WAY too long and the smell was overwhelming (how disgusting is that?). Safeway had litter on sale and that's where I pick up my meds. Easy peasy, right? I found the litter. Simple enough. I then waited to pick up my meds. I should have taken a Clonazepam before I left. There were issues with my meds. One of them wasn't filled. So I to wait for that. More anxiety creeping in. Thankfully there was no one behind me waiting to be helped. It was then noted that I didn't have anymore refills. My old Psychiatrist hadn't faxed my prescriptions to my PCP. Hopefully that will get taken care of before it's time for another refill.

In the mean time my SO and I are going to couples therapy once a week. I hate going, despite the fact that our therapist is a kind woman and I like her (nothing like my old one). We're still in the stage of getting to know each other.

So the house is kinda clean, a huge chunk of the clothes have been put away. The cats sleep happily where they please. I need to keep them happy.

Goal: if it's the only thing I do each day I will clean out all three litter boxes.

My cuts are almost gone. I watch movies to keep my mind from attacking me and I've started reading Lord of the Rings. 

I just found out that one of my favorite book series Shanara by Terry Brooks is being made into a 10 episode series through MTV. They aren't starting with the first 2 books (technically the 1st is a prequel).

 

Now if I could only figure out what to do with myself. How to be happy and have a healthy and happy relationship. I miss what we had. Some things change just due to time, that I can accept as normal. But the things that have changed recently are due to me and my illness and I hate that I've brought this burden upon my Life Partner.


Friday, July 11, 2014

Pain

Ah, the dramas queen. Let's write shit on ourselves. That'll get us some attention! ~End sarcasm



The truth of the matter is that's why I struggle with it everyday. I'm sick. It's rough getting medical help much less mental health care. 


I'm trying. No one sees it because I hide it. Because who wants to listen to yet another depressed situation someone is going through. 


Yes, I feel like a pitty party. I'm in physical and mental pain now. My right thigh won't stop cramping/aching. My right foot likes to go to it's tingly sleep for no reason. I'm exhausted and for no reason. Oh, wait! I'm depressed. 

I feel like being a real asshole right now. Me protecting myself from myself. 

So I hope and I pray that the pain will go away and I won't be forced to the ER. Followed by another stay at the Psych Ward.