Chickens and the meaning of my life at this time.

We own chickens. They are such a delight to see. They are one of my motivations to get out of bed each day. We got 6 eggs today. Spring is certainly upon us.

In my need, and knowing that I need,I went out to the back yard and racked up the leaves/sticks into little piles throughout the yard.

The chickens bring me such joy. We got 6 eggs today. I feed them not only their food, but also their chicken scratch, which full of fat. That combined with the water intake produces some amazing eggs. Eventually we will have to cull them. They will then provide us with even more food. I love them. I enjoy them roaming the back yard , when they aren't limited to their chicken run.

I love that spring as sprung. We are getting to a point where we are overflowing with eggs. Before long we will be selling/bartering with our eggs, as we will not be able to keep up with how much they produce. The plus side, fresh chicken eggs will last for quite sometime. We do not refrigerate our fresh eggs. They came into this world warm and fresh, why ruin that.

I now have tiny piles of sticks and rotting leaves throughout the backyard. It was my daily dose of sunshine.

No call from work. No call from disability.

I have found myself at a loss in my MMORPG, but I know that I will eventually find my way. It's like my brain. I am lost, but with time and rest I will find what I need to make me happy and keep my Bipolar II and Social Anxiety at bay.

My beloved partner is grateful for the work I've done today. If that had been all I had done today, it would have been enough. I also ran the dishwasher, and will unload it.

This evening I spend alone, when the demons come out and haunt my mind. When the thought of death lingers, and my mind comes up with the many ways that I could accomplish such things. The only thing that keeps me going is that I do not wish for my loving partner to find me that way.

I have 3 amazing partners, as I am polyamorous. I believe that one can love more than one person. As time passes I realize I need to be more honest with all of them. I want to be the perfect lover and the perfect partner. I want to hold that sacred ground for them. I want them to know that I love them beyond all means of measure. But to hide how I feel about myself does no good for them. My greatest fear is losing anyone of them because of my illness and my honestly about it.

My loving partner, the one I have been with for over 5 years now, is working towards things that he can do to alleviate some of my pain and boost my self worth and the true meaning of our relationship.

I am blessed for all I have. 3 lovers and a 4th that will love me to the end of the earth.

Although I wish to cut, although I wish from time to time to die. I hold to the pain that I would cause those that love me most. Friends come and go, but true love will never die. That is what I hold on to.

I fear that my illness will cause one to need to walk away.

Baby steps. I am slowly moving in the right direction. I am technically still employed. And until my employer calls and says otherwise I will use everything in my power to keep it that way. Once the call is made to me, I will not return to that hell hole. It sucked me dry. It jaded me. It brought out the worst in me. I cannot do that again. I fear returning to any kind of work at this time. I pray that my long-term disability comes through, in order to give me the time I need to find what best suites me. To find my path that makes me happy and to break through the barriers that I have placed before myself.