The difference from one day to the next.

Yesterday was one of those days from hell, if you believe in such things. I admitted on my FB page that I was suicidal. It was rough. I knew it wasn't the right thing, but my mind...the thoughts...the ugly, ugly thoughts that ran through my head.
I have no purpose.
I don't know what to do with my life, so what's the point.

It's easy to do.
Just take that bottle of pills.
There are so many to choose from.
You'd fall asleep and just never wake up.
No mess, no fuss.
Sure, you'd be missed, but they'd all get over it soon enough and life for them would carry on and your existence would just be a flicker in time.

These were the thoughts that plagued my mind.
I soaked in the tub.
I tried to read.
I tried watching something, anything to get my mind off my shitty thoughts.
I tried coloring mandalas.
I tried finding the "right" music.
I took my med like I'm supposed to.
I tried finding a therapist for couples therapy through my partners insurance. (It just confused the fuck out of me.)
I tried playing World of Warcraft (it's so different now with the new expansion, it's like playing a whole new game).
Nothing worked.

Today I woke up to find that my plans for the evening have been canceled. :( Despite my anxiety, there are few people that I can handle seeing without it blowing up in my face. It's groups that can be dangerous, or old friends that I just don't know what to say to them and they seem frightened of saying the wrong thing to me.

This morning was better. (After I got over my disappointment of plans being canceled.)
My partner is working from home today. He suggested we get a start on the garden bed that has been ignored for quite some time and was overgrown with weeds and we had no idea what has survived over the winter. Plus we had 2 potted plants that needed to go into the garden.

So while he worked I got busy pulling weeds. Filled one of those industrial garbage cans with weeds. I worked faster than he thought. By the time I was done he was heading out to help me.

That's sage in the corner and rhubarb in the front and mint in the back. The mint we planted last year. It's taken over a large section of our garden bed. But hey, Mojitos in training as some might say. ;)

Rhubarb again in the middle on the right and mint on the top wrapping around and again in the top middle. We are uncertain what that plant is that's growing between the mint. It could be a weed, but we're letting it grow for now to see what it turns out to me.

Mint again in the upper right, English Thyme on the "bottom" right and chives in the top middle. I'm uncertain what that is growing next to it, unless it's that similar plant that might be a weed. Time will tell.

That green loopy thing is part of an onion plant. (see below) We also planted potatoes between the chives and thyme, two on either side.

Here are more onions, and again potatoes planted between the two rows of onions.

The onions amaze me. They've been left to the local elements in Norther Colorado for a winter, and they just flourished this Spring. Those are flower head on the tips. It'll be interesting to see the bloom.

So there you have it. I went from I want to die (quite literally) to, I can't wait to see what this garden will do next. Oh, and I showered and am out of my PJs. 

Post Beltania Festival

Beltania was an interesting event this year. Not my best, but I did what I could when I could. The weather was great until the last day, when everything had to be packed away. It rained, it slushed, it hailed and it snowed, and quite honestly the weather wasn't sure what it wanted to do, but the sun couldn't break through and so everything was packed wet. My partner spent 2 extra days there. I packed our site with some help of a few friends. And I drove the Turtle, with a trailer (first time) all the way home (3+ hour drive) in the wet. I got lucky and missed the accidents that clogged traffic. I spent most of Beltania sitting in the car reading so I wouldn't sleep the days away. When I wasn't in the car I was tending fire for a sweat. I did venture to the "Center of the Universe" a few times to see some people I hadn't seen in ages and others that live in my home town that I just haven't had the strength to go visit with.

After that (Monday morning), I unloaded as much as I could, mainly just the Turtle, almost everything in the trailer was too heavy for me to life. I then spent the rest of the week sleeping in bed. I took my meds, I tried to read, I failed to drink any coffee and I just slept. There are a number of reasons why I did this. But I won't go into it, it's all speculation. I found it odd for me to be exhausted when I really didn't do much at the event expect bust my ass breaking down camp. But I slept nonetheless. Time became confusing. I had a date on Wed evening and woke up the next morning with no memory of it. :( It scared me. I'd lost track of time and days. My partner went back to the Beltania site Wed morning with just the Turtle and came home with another trailer.

Saturday I made breakfast, made coffee, drank half a cup got my partner and his two girls fed, when my other partner came over to say that he felt our intimate relationship should end. I cried. I understood. But it hurt nonetheless. In defiance of that news I decided to go to a party 2 hours from home on my own. I'm glad I went. I had a wonderful time. (I also learned that I really need to eat before I drink and that cigars are not my friend.) I stayed the night and the next day we went to the hot springs. It was wonderful. I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life that treat me like there is nothing "wrong" with me and encouraged me to step outside of my comfort zone and welcome me with open arms. It truly is a blessing.

I busted my butt this morning. Due to the rain a lot of the camping gear had to be taken out and dried. Mainly the tents and the blankets from the lodge. We use approximately 30 blankets and have back ups as well. So the blankets are drying and so are the tents. I do these things for my partner. I am home and he is not. I have to push myself to keep the house in order. (Still need to unpack suitcases and put clean clothes away and wash the dirty ones.

After all my hard work this morning I realized that I need to go pick up my meds. I'm paralyzed by the thought. This is absurd. I have things I need to return to friends and I can't even make myself leave the house. I canceled a coffee date for Thursday with someone I've been wanting to sit down and talk with for years now. The hardest thing to admit is that I'm afraid to leave the house.  (At least I could blame finances for not meeting for coffee, but honestly, it's a cop out, a poor excuse to pass up a wonderful opportunity. Update: He's driving all the way up here to treat me to coffee on my birthday! Still nervous as hell. But it causes me to have no reasonable excuses and I'll be in a place I'm comfortable with.) This is how crippling I can be sometimes. I'm trying to live. I'm trying to be happy with the blessings I've been given, I find it hard and difficult though.

Little things. Step by step. One day at a time. But I was productive today and that's saying something. I will have to fight myself hard and go and pick up my meds before the pharmacy closes. I need to make sure the blankets are not blowing into the street.

One Day At A Time

I had my last visit with my psychiatrist today through the program I found her. We're keeping my meds the same. Although adding lithium to the list was discussed. We decided we'd let that option be explored when I find a permanent psychiatrist. 

The whole morning was filled with anxiety as I dealt with the drive and then the meeting. I find it difficult to determine if the medication is working or not. What's normal? What's not? My gut wants to say nothing is working. But I can't be certain of that. I've tried so many medications it's unreal. 

On the plus side of the day I managed to clean out all the litter boxes and take a shower. Most of the dirty dishes are in the dishwasher. 

I feel the urge to cut again. I think it has more to do with wanting to show the outside world that I hurt inside. As I cut the back of my hands, a place very difficult to hide.

Tonight I go to a healing meditation: Meditative Sound Healing Journey. I'm nervous. I don't meditate well. My mind is so cluttered and out of balance with myself. I'm hoping that by trying these new alternative ways of reaching my true inner core and better understanding myself that I'll find a way to better manage my depression and anxiety. 

I Did Good. I Did Good.

It's time to refill my prescriptions, I was nervous as hell as to how much that was going to cost us. Called Walgreens, it was going to be $109! I can't afford that. I overwhelmed myself by doing a ton of research online for prescription help to keep the cost low. (It's amazing how the pharmaceutical industry, and it is an industry, tries to screw everyone over! (Cash price: $300 something; Discount price: $12. How is that even possible?) So, I bit the bullet and got in the car (huge step for me and a huge amount of anxiety as well), and drove over to Safeway (it's just down the road for me, there are cheaper places, but they are too far from my home for me to feel comfortable going to on my own). After giving all my information to have my prescriptions transferred, I was told that the cost would be closer to $50 based on their contracts with certain pharmaceuticals.

I was told it would take about 2 hours to happen. I drove home with tears in my eyes and reminded myself multiple times that I did good. I did good. I found a way to help save my family money.

And then I got to replace a circuit board all on my own and it worked! :D (I've never done something like that befores, closest I've come to it was building a PC.) So I'm proud of myself and yet I'm still filled with anxiety.

Repeat after me, "I did good. I did good."

Did I also mention that 2 load of laundry are almost done and the dishes are washed?

What if...

What if today I got out of bed and called the furnace repair man to so we'll have heat again. (As it stopped working Saturday and was really noticeable Sunday.)

What if I emptied the dishwasher and loaded it again?

What if I wiped all the counters down?

What if I walked out my front door and went to a store down the road to get a new air filter for the furnace? (Yes, that was what was wrong with it. Paid $75 to be told I just needed a new filter. Was then offered 4 filters for $90. I know I'm a little out of it, but I'm not stupid.) I bought two 90 filters for $10.

I still have issues of driving too far from my home. Thankfully there is a hardware store next to the grocery store, next the pharmacy, next to the liquor store.

What if I did just a few of the little things to help keep order in our home and maybe, just maybe I can hold onto those things so that when the dark starts to seep in I'll have those good things to gling to?

I went and had a Shamanic Healing done this past Saturday. It took everything I had to get there, and I was anxious the whole way as I was driving in areas I don't know, to a place I'd never been, to meet a woman I don't know. (Blue Deer Shamanic Healing) It was a 30 minute healing that felt like 10. It was amazing and something I walked away with was the "What if" concept.

So today, I took care of the kitchen. I called the furnace repair company to have the furnace fixed. (I HATE being cold.) I bought new filters for the furnace and our home is slowly warming up.

I missed the FedEx guy while I was out (He was pulling out of my street as I was pulling in. :( But he should be returning this afternoon. The package is for me and it's from my employer. I'm doing the best I can to keep the anxiety away as to what may be contained in said package (most like envelope).

The laundry is being done. The last load is in the washer. I've already put away two loads. The bed is made.

It's all the little steps. The baby steps towards the right direction, towards my goal of getting better, of learning to manage to depression and my anxiety. To find the courage to drive further than a mile down the road.

All the paperwork has been turned in for long-term disability, now I just wait for the phone to ring to let me know what has been decided.

What if the FedEx package contains bad news? I should turn that what if on it's head and think, what if it contains good news?

Chickens and the meaning of my life at this time.

We own chickens. They are such a delight to see. They are one of my motivations to get out of bed each day. We got 6 eggs today. Spring is certainly upon us.

In my need, and knowing that I need,I went out to the back yard and racked up the leaves/sticks into little piles throughout the yard.

The chickens bring me such joy. We got 6 eggs today. I feed them not only their food, but also their chicken scratch, which full of fat. That combined with the water intake produces some amazing eggs. Eventually we will have to cull them. They will then provide us with even more food. I love them. I enjoy them roaming the back yard , when they aren't limited to their chicken run.

I love that spring as sprung. We are getting to a point where we are overflowing with eggs. Before long we will be selling/bartering with our eggs, as we will not be able to keep up with how much they produce. The plus side, fresh chicken eggs will last for quite sometime. We do not refrigerate our fresh eggs. They came into this world warm and fresh, why ruin that.

I now have tiny piles of sticks and rotting leaves throughout the backyard. It was my daily dose of sunshine.

No call from work. No call from disability.

I have found myself at a loss in my MMORPG, but I know that I will eventually find my way. It's like my brain. I am lost, but with time and rest I will find what I need to make me happy and keep my Bipolar II and Social Anxiety at bay.

My beloved partner is grateful for the work I've done today. If that had been all I had done today, it would have been enough. I also ran the dishwasher, and will unload it.

This evening I spend alone, when the demons come out and haunt my mind. When the thought of death lingers, and my mind comes up with the many ways that I could accomplish such things. The only thing that keeps me going is that I do not wish for my loving partner to find me that way.

I have 3 amazing partners, as I am polyamorous. I believe that one can love more than one person. As time passes I realize I need to be more honest with all of them. I want to be the perfect lover and the perfect partner. I want to hold that sacred ground for them. I want them to know that I love them beyond all means of measure. But to hide how I feel about myself does no good for them. My greatest fear is losing anyone of them because of my illness and my honestly about it.

My loving partner, the one I have been with for over 5 years now, is working towards things that he can do to alleviate some of my pain and boost my self worth and the true meaning of our relationship.

I am blessed for all I have. 3 lovers and a 4th that will love me to the end of the earth.

Although I wish to cut, although I wish from time to time to die. I hold to the pain that I would cause those that love me most. Friends come and go, but true love will never die. That is what I hold on to.

I fear that my illness will cause one to need to walk away.

Baby steps. I am slowly moving in the right direction. I am technically still employed. And until my employer calls and says otherwise I will use everything in my power to keep it that way. Once the call is made to me, I will not return to that hell hole. It sucked me dry. It jaded me. It brought out the worst in me. I cannot do that again. I fear returning to any kind of work at this time. I pray that my long-term disability comes through, in order to give me the time I need to find what best suites me. To find my path that makes me happy and to break through the barriers that I have placed before myself.

Join Me On FaceBook.

To better share with the world my ongoing dealings with my mental illness I have created a FaceBook page.

Please join I Have Bipolar II on FaceBook, where I will share not only when I post a new blog, but also little things that I run across that might help uplift us and make us think, or rather, re-think how we feel about our illnesses and how we see life.

Living 10 Years Longer: How Video Games Can Boost Your Spirit

I just got done watch one of the most amazing TED talks for those with all sorts of medical problems. It was amazing. Because it's about playing games. And well, I'm a gamer. I played World of Warcraft almost from it's conception until I got to the point that I couldn't afford the latest expansion and the $15 a month to play. Plus, the guild I had grown to love and was family to me, had splintered apart and moved on. I did continue to add my brother and his family to the game and every partnership I had I managed to get them to play too. It kept us connected. It gave us something to talk about and to strategize how to conquer the next challenge in the game.

http://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_the_game_that_can_give_you_10_extra_years_of_life#t-8216

It was amazing to watch. I normally don't have the attention span to sit and watch the TED talks, but this one, this particular one, I couldn't look away from. I couldn't stop listening and feel bored. If anything I had tears in my eyes.

My amazing partner and I are looking for alternative therapy for me. And one of them is in playing games. It seemed hokey at first. How can playing an online game help me get better? Watch the TED talk. It all makes sense. Because when I look back on the days I played WoW with my partners and my online friends, as well as family, I was happier. Life was better. I had purpose and felt good about myself.

Don't want to watch the TED talk, but are curious about the game? Go here https://www.superbetter.com/.

Another game my wonderful partner found was SPARX. http://linkedwellness.com/play-sparx-the-video-game-for-depression/

This one is more focused around depression and finding ways to ground yourself, learn new coping skills and feel accomplished at completing the goals set before you.

Now, I'm not encouraging you to sit in front of your computer, or on your smart phone all day playing games. I'm simply encouraging you to get out there, find a game that you love and play it for 30 minutes, or 5 minutes. Words with Friends is great, if you're a word person, as it helps keep you in touch with people that you otherwise wouldn't connect with on a regular bases.

Fighting depression is hard. The thought of death can sometimes become all consuming. But if you give this a chance and you fight those thoughts, you might find yourself living 10 years longer and happier and have no regrets, as so many do on their deathbeds.

This is what my tea had to share with me today:

"Connect" Connect to those you love and that love you back. Reach out for community and self awareness. These aren't easy things. They are so easy for me to write and yet so difficult for me to follow. I have a partner that reminds me daily to do these little things. To find games that challenge me and help me explore new worlds and see life in a different way. 

A New Day: Hope

I had the wonderful joy of meeting a new friend at a coffee shop this morning. She was running late, so I had time to sit and watch the cars drive by, the people come and go, the students studying hard on their laptops. The laughter and joy, the hard work, the company meetings in such a laid back place. It made me glad she was running late.

Our meeting was beautiful and filled me with hope. It showed me that I am not alone and that there is hope. I may have Bipolar II, but I do not have to let it consume me. I have a choice to make every second of everyday of how I will or will not let it make choices for me. This is easy to say, this is easy to think, even in my darkest moment, I know I have a choice to crawl out of that hole and make my day brighter.

I must accept that some days I will win the battle and other days I will not.

My partner and I are looking into alternative therapy for me. He has been so wonderful at standing by me and helping me as I travel down this path that I feel so lost on.

I realized last night that I am lost. I have lost my spiritual path and I do not like it. It is what causes me to question what my purpose is in this life. And so now I seek to find MY path. I seek to find that path that is right for ME. Others may walk the same path, and yet others may find it wrong that I walk MY path. That is their choice and not my own.

I have checked out new books from the library. I am determined to read them this time. I am determined to find wisdom in the words that are written there.

Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change  By Pema Chodron
The Brightened Mind: A simple guide to Buddhist Meditation By Ajahn Sumano Bhikkbhu
No Time To Lose: A Timely Guide to the Way of the Bodhisattva  By Pema Chodron

I shall take my journal and write down what gives meaning to me, what causes me to think, and the rest I will set to the side if it does not speak to me. I do not fear mixing "religions" on my path. There is no one perfect path to follow but the one I choose for myself. It is possible to believe in Christ and his teachings and not be a Christian in the traditional sense.

I know that this will be a life time work. I know that I will not wake up tomorrow with all the answers.

I also know that at this very moment I feel all the hope in the world and that everything will come out great in the end, and yet, in that same though I know that I will stumble, I will fall, it won't be easy. Tomorrow always brings something different. I will meet each new day with new (and old) challenges, and as long as I keep fighting to keep myself safe, to keep myself functioning, there is hope.

Although I have Bipolar II, I will not, I must not, allow it to be all consuming. If I do I will lose everything I've fought so hard for. My wonderful partner works so hard everyday at his job and then comes home and continues to work so hard on helping me become healthy and a functioning member of society. I must acknowledge to him that I see his efforts and am grateful for them and at the same time I must tell and show him that I too am trying as best as I can at this time to find my path, to find the light that I so desperately need and want.

I have the power within myself to be great and powerful, to give back to my community and family what they have given to me. I am truly grateful and thankful for all that I have and all that I continue to receive.

I am loved. I am blessed.

Baby steps.