Sunday, June 5, 2016

Where am I going?

I'm feeling a bit better today. Although I admit to being heavily medicated and I don't like it. Day in and day out, the same old shit.
I am uncertain who takes me seriously anymore.
I'm sharing my entries.
I blogged yesterday's entry today. Uncertain who will see it, much less read it and maybe even start a conversation about it.

I cannot help but feel that if I keep myself closed in about death and suicide, I am only writing my own future.
And if I write about where I am in my mind about death, should the time come where I do take my own life I will at least have left behind documents to help the world better understand how it came to that.
I'm on the verge of tears.

It's nice sitting outside. I guess it is something I should really start doing more of.

Lesson Learned: Nature is good for me.
Chickens. Cats. Tress. Plants. Grass. Evening fires. Gaming. Reading.

Can I be content not contributing financially to my family unit?
This is a constant struggle and concern of mine.
Am I even able to hold a job?
A job that will work with me with my mental illness?
What am I now truly qualified to do?
I color.
I self-care, a lot!
I'm finally taking better care of my cats.

My sad life: Talking Cats

I hate mornings. Moreover, I hate ho I normally feel when I wake up in the mornings.
It makes me sad.
My dreams fade.
I lose track of me and where I am.
I forget me.
And then I remember and the tears come back and my gut wrenches and my heart aches.

These trips are supposed to be fun, DAMNNIT!
Can I not have this time to just enjoy myself and family?

I went to the Salt Lake City LGBTQ+ Pride Parade with my BIL and the two Littles. We had a good time. We did a lot of walking and shouting.
I am now utterly spent.
My social quota is beyond gone.
I hate that.
I utterly and completely despise it.
The little walked that parage and are now outside playing. It amazes me the energy they have.
I once had that.
What happened?

Old Normal v New Normal
This is hard to adjust to, and it's difficult to explain, not only to myself but to those around me.
I can't even fully explain it to my therapist.
Who am I?
What am I?
What is my purpose?
Why do I continue to live each day?
What is the point?
The point.
Please tell me the point.
I ask these questions to an empty room.
I ask these questions to a full capacity auditorium.
The answer is the same.
Silence is the answer, as who has the answer?
Better yet, who is brave enough to stand and answer?
Who am I?
What am I?
What is my purpose?
Why do I continue?!
To continue to live each day?
The ultimate question: What is the point?

I Want A Do Over
Fuck this.
Fuck this shit.
Fuck my heart. My feelings. My thoughts.
Fuck my tears.
Fuck my fears.
Fuck this life.
Fuck this world.
The hate can be so strong and so crippling.
It's hate within myself.
I have no desire to hurt others.
Only myself.
Does that bother you?
Where does my anger come from?
So many mistakes.
So many lost chances?
This life lived for someone else.
That someone else is gone and I still find myself wanting her to live vicariously through me.
My life's purpose...gone.
Now, six years later, what do I do?