Social Media

I have closed my FaceCrack account. As nice as it is getting instant updates from people all over the world. It's really turned into sharing "inspirational" words with some pretty background. (Hell, I know I've posted at least one here.) But it makes me feel like I need to hurry up and get over myself.

I shall repeat again: I have Bipolar II and sever anxiety, including social. This is not something one simply gets over.

Rumor has it can be managed. Assuming you have insurance and money and  blah blah blah. (All the stuff I've already bitched about here.)

For now, my "social media updates" will be done here. My day to day struggles.

This week has been rough. I've been excessively tired for no reason. Very little got done around the house this week because of it.

I verbally lashed out at my SO this morning. I feel so alone and unwanted. I'm told I brought that upon myself. I'll buy that, to a certain point and no further. I will not suffer to be lied to. And I know that if I return to the group I belonged to that I will be lied to. It will be directly to my face. I know that I will be told that "It's so great to see you!" "It's so great to have you back!" Some will mean it. Some will not. And the one that I need to mean it the most will not. This one person will lie to my face about such things. So I stay away. And by doing so I alienate myself from everyone I know.

That's the easy picture. The harder part, the one that isn't so easy to get over is that I struggle every day to get out of bed. That stepping out my door and going somewhere will cause an anxiety attack. I am unable to defend myself. And thus I will break down in tears, words will fail me and I'll be lost in the attempt to understand what is going on around me.

My memory has gotten worse. It's short term memory loss. I've been told it's whole conversations I've forgotten. This scares me the most. I fear forgetting something.

I've put all my bills on auto pay to ensure that I don't forget to get them paid on time. It's only because of this that I am able to "manage" money. I can't. I just don't go out. If I don't spend money then all the bills get paid and I don't have to worry about it.

Today, after my SO left for a day trip to Denver with his girls, and after my lashing out at him. I had great remorse for my actions. It's difficult when you're told that your SO doesn't feel comfortable in our room. It's heart wrenching really. So I hid under the covers and cried as they left. After I'd accused my SO of not loving me and just not wanting to say it. After I told him that I'd just move to my sister's. And I cried because I hated every word that came out of my mouth. Because I was doing this to him, to us.

And, in my typical fashion, manic is what they would clinically call it, I cleaned the house. I cleaned the kitchen. I finally put away the clothes that had been sorted and waiting to be put away for weeks now. I vacuumed the master bedroom, the living room and dining room along with the den, upstairs hallway and even the stairs themselves. I put things away that should have been done so weeks ago, and in some cases several months ago. The laundry is still going and will be all day.

I went and picked up my medication yesterday, really I needed cat litter because I'd let the litter boxes go for WAY too long and the smell was overwhelming (how disgusting is that?). Safeway had litter on sale and that's where I pick up my meds. Easy peasy, right? I found the litter. Simple enough. I then waited to pick up my meds. I should have taken a Clonazepam before I left. There were issues with my meds. One of them wasn't filled. So I to wait for that. More anxiety creeping in. Thankfully there was no one behind me waiting to be helped. It was then noted that I didn't have anymore refills. My old Psychiatrist hadn't faxed my prescriptions to my PCP. Hopefully that will get taken care of before it's time for another refill.

In the mean time my SO and I are going to couples therapy once a week. I hate going, despite the fact that our therapist is a kind woman and I like her (nothing like my old one). We're still in the stage of getting to know each other.

So the house is kinda clean, a huge chunk of the clothes have been put away. The cats sleep happily where they please. I need to keep them happy.

Goal: if it's the only thing I do each day I will clean out all three litter boxes.

My cuts are almost gone. I watch movies to keep my mind from attacking me and I've started reading Lord of the Rings. 

I just found out that one of my favorite book series Shanara by Terry Brooks is being made into a 10 episode series through MTV. They aren't starting with the first 2 books (technically the 1st is a prequel).

 

Now if I could only figure out what to do with myself. How to be happy and have a healthy and happy relationship. I miss what we had. Some things change just due to time, that I can accept as normal. But the things that have changed recently are due to me and my illness and I hate that I've brought this burden upon my Life Partner.

Social Security

Today the paperwork was filled out and submitted to SSI to see if I qualify. I can't help but cry. I'm 34 years old. This shouldn't be happening. And as much as I don't want it to, it is, and I'm finding it /very/ hard to make the tears stop. Along with the embarrassment of it all.
I can't believe how wore out I am after that phone call. It started at 9am and ended around 10:30am. I'm exhausted. I did it, that's a plus. But mentally it's draining. I'm fighting the desire to go back to bed.

I get to do it all over again next Friday, I think the call should be shorter. I'm grateful for an advocator group that actually fills out all the paperwork for me and files it. And should I be denied they will work on changing that denial.

This week has been rough and maybe now it will get a bit better. I managed every day to take care of the chickens, but I've neglected everything else in the house.

After the phone call it has become apparent that I cannot work in a clerical environment again. I used to be so good at it. And now all it brings is panic, uncertainty, and instability.

Between my medication and fear of stepping out my own front door, how on earth can I possibly go on a job interview, much less learn to multi-task again. With my memory problems I have found that multitasking is very difficult for me now. One of the few positive things I had going for me work wise.

Time will eventually tell where my path is truly headed. We are trying to find options. And I'm trying to find the strength to follow through with those options.

Here's to hope.

Insurance

Have we talked about insurance yet?

I hate insurance. Not dislike. Not on the fence about it. I HATE insurance.

Let's be honest, having one's income cut by 40% sucks. It makes it harder to make ends meet. But we've managed.

When I was on FMLA and Short-Term disability I still had insurance through my "employer". But then, as soon as I was approved for Long-Term disability I was laid off and instantly lost my insurance. Great...

This Health Care Act sucks. There shouldn't be any enrollment dates. The enrollment date should be as soon as I need it. Fine, charge me a fee for not enrolling during the "enrollment dates". But since I can't what am I supposed to do until November?!

I need therapy at least once a week. I need to see my PCP on a regular basis. I need to see a psychiatrist at least once a month. I need my meds adjusted or added or changed in some way.

The program I was going through I can only use once a year. It only covers 10 therapy visits at a very cheap price and 4 visits with a psychiatrist. It was nice having it while I did. But that's gone now. Their suggestion, apply for medicaid.

I did. As embarrassing as it is, I did. I receive $63 too much to qualify. I'm a single person with no children. I don't qualify for shit.

I need medical help. I can't afford it out of pocket. $100 once a week to see a therapist out of pocket, and that's the low end. $150 to see a psychiatrist once a month or so. Plus medication and $130 a pop to see my PCP. That's $5,200 a year for a therapist. That's $1,800 per year to see a psychiatrist once a month. And an estimated $780 for my meds per year (assuming nothing is added to it and nothing changes). That's $1,560 to see my PCP annually. That's a grand annual total of $9,340, or $788.33 per month. That's roughly 58% of my income.

I have to wait until the 1st or 2nd week of Sept. to get on my life partner's insurance. I need something to cover me from now until then, and options seem slim.

We're looking at couples therapy through his insurance. To be honest we need it. He's been my caretaker for far too long and the lover side of him has dwindled since all of this started and it's my fault. I try not to beat myself up about it, but it's the truth. Maybe, just maybe, with that and paying full price to see a psychiatrist once a month or every other month, we'll be ok until I have "real" insurance. (And maybe my long-term insurance company will be satisfied with just that for now. Thankfully my PCP's nurse calls and checks in on me from time to time, and that doesn't cost me. Sometimes even my PCP herself will call, and that's always nice to know that I'm not forgotten and it's understood that I don't have insurance at the moment.

But insurance sucks, whether you have it or not. I need more health care options than what's out there for the mentally ill and are broke. Broke to the bone.

I'll be told by my partner not to worry about it. We'll make it work. It's so hard to hold onto any hope when it feels as though everything is lost and hopeless. Maybe this is how Aragorn felt when he stood in front of the gates of Mount Doom facing an army he knew he couldn't beat.

Hoping and praying that Frodo was inside and would destroy the ring. I stand with bated breath waiting for good news. For all that's good and worthwhile I need good news, good lasting news.

Pain

It's so difficult not to cut.

This is an old image. But the thing is, I struggle everyday not to do it again. This was the early stage. I ended up cutting up both hands. Nothing deep enough to draw blood and leave a scare.

The pain I feel inside is so immense that it hurts even more that no one can see it. How do I explain this? This need to have an outward showing of the pain that I carry inside me.

I've ignored the kitchen all week. I wake up take my pills, feed the chickens and go back to bed. Sleep until noon and then contemplate if I want to get out of bed.

This has been one of my toughest weeks. The laundry hasn't been touched in a week or more. One load sits on my couch folded and ready to be put away. Another load sits in the basket on said couch and yet another load sits clean in the dryer. And the clothes keep mounting up and I just don't care.

This is manic in the opposite direction. I go from doing ok, sometimes even pretty good, to being so down that all I want to do is die.

Everywhere I turn there is something stopping me from helping me get better. I feel lost and alone.

I've made a new friend. That's a good thing. I should focus on that, but instead I focus on all the other little stupid shot surrounding it.

I want drive up to the reservoir and drive my car off the road into the water. If I'm lucky I'll die before I drown. I want to swallow a bottle of pills just to make the pain go away. I want to be comfortably numb.

I want to be taken seriously on how much my illness hurts, every fucking day. I'll stop and suddenly I'll cry over my other partner deciding it was time to move on. I thought I was past that, but I'm not.

I am so bless to have a life partner that puts up with my shit. That feeds me dinner, because left to my own devices I'd hardly eat at all.

I'm writing these things in hopes that they will go away in my head. I write these things in hopes that others will know they aren't alone in their internal pain that no one can see and people refuse to understand.

We need to talk...

Let's not talk about what's real! Let's not talk about the taboo. Let's pretend that it's all in my head so that no one else has to worry about it. Let's ignore it and maybe, just maybe it will go away. 

New flash! It's here. It's real. And I can't make it go away. I can't ignore it until it goes away. That's not how it works. 

I've held it in for years. Believing I'd got it all under control. What happened? 

It exploded out of left field, it hit me and knocked the wind out of me knocking me down, like I'd been punched for unknown reasons. 

I can barely stand. Punch after punch. It won't stop. Over and over and over again. One hit, two hits, three. I can't believe I'm doing this to myself. And I can't make it stop. 

And no one wants to talk about it. Everyone wants to believe it's not there. It is not their problem so what does it matter to them? 

If I had a life threatening disease you'd care. The truth is, I do. I struggle with myself to stay alive each and every fucking day. 

Some days are with it more than others.

What you see and what is reality

It seems so easy. To go out in public. To interact with people. It's easy to see my interactions and assume that I'm doing better.

What people don't see is the tears I shed after making a phone call. A painless, easy phone call.
What people don't see is the pounding of my heart and the shaking of my body as I try to keep the tears at bay. As I try to remind myself that what I did was good and something that was needed to be done.

I went to a wonderful gather a few weekends ago. Good people. Good food. And when my part of the night was through, a safe and comfortable bed to sleep in.
What people didn't see is the frantic me as I ran through the house shaking, packing my bag for the night. Questioning if this was a good idea. My partner reminding me at every turn that this is good for me and that he supported me to go.
That Sunday, I was invited to the Hot Springs with my wonderful Host and Hostess, along with 2 other great friends.
What people didn't see was my heart pounding in my chest.
What people didn't see was my mind second guessing itself.
What people didn't see was my worry that my partner hadn't responded to my texts and I worried about what he thought about my going. (Even though I knew he'd tell me to go and have a good time. Even though I knew that his schedule was full that day and it wouldn't matter if I was at home or elsewhere.)
What people don't see is my need to have permission.
What people don't know is that I'm still learning how to be my own person and how to make my own choices.

My partner was gone this long weekend past. He was camping. Most people there wished I had been there. (Upon hearing about the weather, I'm glad I wasn't.) I kinda went off grid myself.
I didn't post much on Facebook. I didn't blog.
I played World of Warcraft with my family in another state.
I watched more Deep Space Nine (DS9).
I cried.
I took care of the animals.
It rained a lot.
The grass grew too tall, so did the weeds. So I mowed the lawn to avoid a fine from the city.
I anxiously awaited my birthday gift from my long-distance partner whom I've known for over 20 years. (He is my oldest friend.)
Monday I anxiously waited in the evening for my partner to come home. I watched from the living room window and jumped every time a car drove by. Anxiety surrounded me even then.
Anxiety is the scariest things for me. It is something I am unfamiliar with and I do not know how to handle. I'm uncertain if anyone learns how to handle it.
What I do know is that for me, anxiety is crippling. And due to my lack of control over it, I cry and cry, because I can't stop it. Because despite the good I do, it is still overwhelming.

Post Beltania Festival

Beltania was an interesting event this year. Not my best, but I did what I could when I could. The weather was great until the last day, when everything had to be packed away. It rained, it slushed, it hailed and it snowed, and quite honestly the weather wasn't sure what it wanted to do, but the sun couldn't break through and so everything was packed wet. My partner spent 2 extra days there. I packed our site with some help of a few friends. And I drove the Turtle, with a trailer (first time) all the way home (3+ hour drive) in the wet. I got lucky and missed the accidents that clogged traffic. I spent most of Beltania sitting in the car reading so I wouldn't sleep the days away. When I wasn't in the car I was tending fire for a sweat. I did venture to the "Center of the Universe" a few times to see some people I hadn't seen in ages and others that live in my home town that I just haven't had the strength to go visit with.

After that (Monday morning), I unloaded as much as I could, mainly just the Turtle, almost everything in the trailer was too heavy for me to life. I then spent the rest of the week sleeping in bed. I took my meds, I tried to read, I failed to drink any coffee and I just slept. There are a number of reasons why I did this. But I won't go into it, it's all speculation. I found it odd for me to be exhausted when I really didn't do much at the event expect bust my ass breaking down camp. But I slept nonetheless. Time became confusing. I had a date on Wed evening and woke up the next morning with no memory of it. :( It scared me. I'd lost track of time and days. My partner went back to the Beltania site Wed morning with just the Turtle and came home with another trailer.

Saturday I made breakfast, made coffee, drank half a cup got my partner and his two girls fed, when my other partner came over to say that he felt our intimate relationship should end. I cried. I understood. But it hurt nonetheless. In defiance of that news I decided to go to a party 2 hours from home on my own. I'm glad I went. I had a wonderful time. (I also learned that I really need to eat before I drink and that cigars are not my friend.) I stayed the night and the next day we went to the hot springs. It was wonderful. I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life that treat me like there is nothing "wrong" with me and encouraged me to step outside of my comfort zone and welcome me with open arms. It truly is a blessing.

I busted my butt this morning. Due to the rain a lot of the camping gear had to be taken out and dried. Mainly the tents and the blankets from the lodge. We use approximately 30 blankets and have back ups as well. So the blankets are drying and so are the tents. I do these things for my partner. I am home and he is not. I have to push myself to keep the house in order. (Still need to unpack suitcases and put clean clothes away and wash the dirty ones.

After all my hard work this morning I realized that I need to go pick up my meds. I'm paralyzed by the thought. This is absurd. I have things I need to return to friends and I can't even make myself leave the house. I canceled a coffee date for Thursday with someone I've been wanting to sit down and talk with for years now. The hardest thing to admit is that I'm afraid to leave the house.  (At least I could blame finances for not meeting for coffee, but honestly, it's a cop out, a poor excuse to pass up a wonderful opportunity. Update: He's driving all the way up here to treat me to coffee on my birthday! Still nervous as hell. But it causes me to have no reasonable excuses and I'll be in a place I'm comfortable with.) This is how crippling I can be sometimes. I'm trying to live. I'm trying to be happy with the blessings I've been given, I find it hard and difficult though.

Little things. Step by step. One day at a time. But I was productive today and that's saying something. I will have to fight myself hard and go and pick up my meds before the pharmacy closes. I need to make sure the blankets are not blowing into the street.

Friendships

I struggle with friendships, I always have. There are many reasons for this, I am sure. The first that comes to mind is that I grew up as a Navy Brat. We moved every two years, and this was before the internet age. Staying in touch was always difficult. Long distance phone calls cost 10 cents per minute. Postage stamps were much cheaper, but it's hard to write to old friends when you're busy trying to fit in to the new place you've found yourself dropped.

Even as an adult I moved, a lot, probably the same pattern as when I was a child, every two years. I never had to deal with the struggles of true friendship. I acted like a kid and I wrote people off when I moved. It was easier that way. I didn't have to face/deal with troublesome friendships. I never learned to stand up for myself when I was wronged, and I never learned to apologize when I had wronged another.

Now I find myself in a different way of life. I don't get the choice of running (ok, I have that choice, but I choose not to, I have found home, finally). But what that means is that when a friendship gets shaky I have to learn to "deal with it"/handle it. Possibly fix it. Possibly find a way to let bygones be bygones. Thankfully, the first guy I dated here doesn't run in the same circles as I do, so when our relationship ended, I didn't have to deal with seeing him anywhere I went. I just finally let him go and life went on.

But now, now, with my long list of emotional problems I've found that I've said things without thinking them through to ensure that my thoughts were conveyed properly. I have apologized for those wrongs when they were pointed out to me. I was pained that I had caused another pain in such a way. However, the problem keeps creeping up. The issue won't die. I do not know how to handle it anymore. My fight or flight instinct is kicking in and I find myself straddling the fence. The circles we mix in are too close. Way too close.

Now I find myself having to decide how do I handle this issue, and an issue that is bound to happen in the future in some fashion with some other person. I am not a confrontational person. Infact it makes me quite uncomfortable and I do everything I can to avoid them. (Possibly something I need to get over, but that's for later.)

How do I make an issue die that I do not believe is still a standing issue? I am torn between "bowing" to this person's request and standing by my own convictions that this "confrontation" is unwarranted, useless and unneeded.

I do not know how to handle friendships. When things go too far wrong I write them off. I have learned to not wish them any ill-will. I have learned to not speak poorly about them to others. I have found that if I suddenly find myself in the same room/at the same function, that I become very insecure and very reserved. My anxiety increases and I do my best to simply avoid the person, as that is how I protect myself.

I will not go into details about this specific situation, as this blog is not meant to be a place where I drop my trash and speak ill of anyone, much less name them or make it obvious who they are. Not on a personal level at least.

So I struggle with deciding if I accept to meet with this person in order to discuss "things". Or do I stand by what I think is the right and healthy thing for me to do and not meet as I feel there is nothing to "discuss". We both have our lives and our circles overlap and if we're true adults than we simply acknowledge each other's presence and move on.

It is wrong of me to allow one person, of all the people that populate this planet, to control me such a manner. I wish I could find the switch that turns off the anxiety and turn on the one that can simply let this be. The conflict with this is that it's not just me, it's this other person as well. As long as either one of use keeps bringing it up, it will never go away. And I personally have found that there is no reason to continue bringing it up.

At this time I am not in a position to try to rekindle this friendship. At this time I can hardly keep myself together, much less deal with someone else who is also suffering from similar emotional problems as myself. But in doing nothing, it affects my private, intimate, personal relationships, and quite frankly, that's wrong and sad.

I want to choose flight, and I would, if it didn't mean losing someone else that is very dear to me. I will not allow anyone to have that much control over my life and my choices.

So I vent here, as calmly as I can. I try to find my inner peace and that quiet spot within myself, that right now is very tiny which I'm working on growing.

I'm tired of rehashing old shit. I'm tired of the past affecting my present so much. But I also know that I am in no state to stand up for myself, at least not in person. I wish I was that person, and someday I will learn how to do so in an intelligent fashion. Today is not that day.

I don't need this drama. I care not for this drama. I care not for stirring the pot. I care not for reopening old wounds. And I hate that those I love have been caught in the middle of it all.

An Anxious Trip Out of the House

So I've had this Sees Candy gift card in my wallet since last May. (I know, I know.) I've been too anxious to drive one town over to get something. Well, I thought the day after Easter would be a smashing idea. Good chocolate at a discounted price.

I started to chicken out.

I went to their website, hoping to find discounted items, no such luck, and the one item I did find would have required an additional $8 shipping and handling! (No thank you!)

So after much inner struggle with myself, I managed to find myself sitting in my car and slowly driving towards the shop. Oh, and did I mention it's the same route, for most of the way, to my old job? Talk about anxiety city.

I failed to take my anti-anxiety pill before I left. (I'm still recovering from the anxiety of this trip.) But somehow I made it. And I didn't even buy anything on discount. ;)

I was almost in tears all the way home. It's tough having social anxiety. (Having anxiety period.) I should feel proud of myself, getting dressed, getting in the car, making that drive outside my comfort zone (and so close to my old employer), then to walk into a rather small store and feel very out of place walking in circles trying to determine if I buy the chocolate bunny (uncertain if it's hollow or not), or find something else. I finally picked the above, and only spent a little over a dollar for it. 

I did good. I did good. I feel anxious as hell. I feel this huge knot building in my chest. I shouldn't feel this way. I should feel at least happy that I have chocolate in the house, but I don't. I'm in tears. But, as Bilbo put it, I made it "there and back again". 

Interesting developments. What should/shouldn't a therapist tell their clients?

I still haven't heard about disability. I do know that they are still investigating my claim, as my therapist made it clear that she had spent about $12 in faxing them things and was on the phone with them about 6 times in the past week.

I believe it was her way of making me feel guilty for complaining about how it's difficult for my family to pay the $16 I give her each week to sit and gossip about my previous week. I was officially marked as unemployed as of the 11th of April. My partner and I are at a serious crossroads in our life and I started to complain about my worries and fears. I fought with her for the first time (and quite possibly the last, I am uncertain how she has managed to remain a therapist as long as she has, given that she cannot handle a foul word coming from my mouth, nor can she handle it when I get upset).

It is wrong and out of place to make one in an emotional state that I am in to feel guilty for her doing her job. I know that she normally charges $100 per visit. I don't know how many clients she has, nor do I know many pay her full price, it's not my business to know. But I found her behaviour highly inappropriate. These last two weeks have been pure hell for me, and when I go to seek help from my therapist, some form of comfort or reassurance that x may be the cause of y and this is how I can face these issues, I'm made to feel bad and she throws her hands in the air as though I'm a lost cause. (Has she never had a patient in her 20+ years of work behave has I had that day?)

I have one more visit with her through the program I'm in. I am uncertain if I'll use it. I meet with my psychiatrist this Thursday, through the same program. I'm going to find the strength to find out what I can do to find a new therapist and if there is anything they can do to help me in the mental health department, as this Thursday is supposed to be my last visit with my psychiatrist.

For now it's a hurry up and wait situation.

Safe?

I don't feel safe with myself and U have no one I can tell. They will all want to put me back into the hospital in a 72 hour hold , it would cost a fortune and if little to no good.

Mental illness is a taboo. People don't want to talk about it and people do not want to be with people who show those outward signs of mental illness. 

So what do I do? I'm hearing things. Doors opening and shutting when I know no one is I the house and all three cats are on the bed with me. 

I think I am truly losing my mind. 

Sad

I am starting to hear sounds, like a door opening or closing. I've been hearing them for days now, when no one is home.

My self-harming has been getting worse. It's scrapes at the top of my hands, something for the world to see. I do not hide them on the tender parts of my arm. 

It is difficult. I know I need help. I fear being placed in the hospital, as it will do me no good here, I already know how to "play" the system. Never mind I fear the cost of the hospital bills. 

I am lost. I know I am not alone, but I certainly feel alone. As though I cannot be honest with anyone. Not my therapist, my doctor, no one. 

The sounds scare me. The constant desire to cut frightens me. 

How much longer am I to survive like this?

Nervous phone calls. Coping skills.

I finally got a call from my employer, at least someone from the main office in regards to my short term disability ending.

It was a stressful phone call. Much more stressful than it should have been. I am a geek; therefore, after a few tears I turned on Star Trek TNG and starting working on another afghan. TNG sooths me (once TNG is over I will move on to DS9 and then Voyager) and the crocheting keeps me productive (I hope to sell them as they are completed.)

 


The Anxiety has subsided. I long to sleep, to rest a while after dealing with that phone call. But it's another day and another moment in time. It is a shame that such phone calls cause such reactions in me. I start to tear up on the phone and then once it is over and the phone is disconnected I cry like a baby.

I question my every movement and every thought.

I've made another loaf of bread today, this time unseasoned. I hope it turns out well and we can use this recipe on a more regular bases instead of buying manufactured bread. This too makes me feel good when providing for my family.

I meet with my therapist once again tomorrow. She has been on vacation for 2 weeks. Long-term disability is awaiting her notes in regards to my case. I am hoping that this is just part of their standard procedure and that a decision has practically decided, as I was informed yesterday how much I would be receiving each month and that it would be for a 24 month period.

Showing Mental Illness / Dealing With the Work Environment

Those with depression hide behind a smile. I was raised to say please and thank you, to be polite to those I meet. This is a facade. This makes it appear as though there is nothing wrong with me, because my struggles are within my mind and no one can see that. I don't have a broken arm. My hair isn't falling out from chemo. My eyes aren't turning yellow due to jaundice.

But my head hurts. My body aches. The voices say I'm better off not being here. I'm a damned good liar. To myself and to others when it comes to how I'm feeling. If I told the truth, would you really want to hear it?

I overslept today. I just didn't want to get out of bed. The weather is warming up and I knew I couldn't keep the chickens in their coop any longer, it just isn't fair to them. My alarm went off at 9am. I got out of bed around 9:45am.

I still carry my cell phone around, waiting for a call that I don't know when will come. And I still fear answering it. I struggle with feeding myself. I struggle still with changing my clothes.

The heat is off. It's warm outside. I don't know if I should open a window or turn the heat back on. I'm always cold.

The plant that used to sit on my desk at work. 

I'm haunted by my evil manager that wanted to "discuss" with me how I dress for work. At the time I'd been there for almost 4 years, she had only been there for 6 months. I will never know what her problem was with how I dressed. In the 4 years I was there I was never called into HR about violating the company dress code. I was never pulled aside by my once supervisor to discuss if I was out of code/standards. I called my evil managers bluff and said I'd be more than happy to take this to HR, has I had been there often in the past view days and not once was it brought up (and believe me, it would have been brought up if it was a problem). Amazingly the "meeting to discuss me" abruptly ended and she would give no explanation to any of her issues with me. I hate that confrontation still haunting me. She was laid off a few days later. Laid off, not fired for her "crimes" against her employees. I am proud to say that I stood up for myself and for my fellow co-workers. I am proud to say that not once did I cry (which is what I typically do when I start discussing things I know to be true and honest). Not crying just indicates how far gone I had gotten with her and her bullying, her picking of favorites and her desire to get rid of those she did not like nor care for. This event was the straw that eventually broke my back. That sent me over the edge. I could no longer play the game and no longer would. Companies question why they can't keep their employees, why we jump from job to job to job. It's really quite simple. We, the employee, dedicate all that we have to ensure that the company stays in the green and in the end we don't even get a simple "Thank you.". We are treated like cattle.

I will not live my life in such a way that causes me to feel that death is the only answer to escape because the world has now been set up that each household much have two working adults in order to make ends meet.

Chickens and the meaning of my life at this time.

We own chickens. They are such a delight to see. They are one of my motivations to get out of bed each day. We got 6 eggs today. Spring is certainly upon us.

In my need, and knowing that I need,I went out to the back yard and racked up the leaves/sticks into little piles throughout the yard.

The chickens bring me such joy. We got 6 eggs today. I feed them not only their food, but also their chicken scratch, which full of fat. That combined with the water intake produces some amazing eggs. Eventually we will have to cull them. They will then provide us with even more food. I love them. I enjoy them roaming the back yard , when they aren't limited to their chicken run.

I love that spring as sprung. We are getting to a point where we are overflowing with eggs. Before long we will be selling/bartering with our eggs, as we will not be able to keep up with how much they produce. The plus side, fresh chicken eggs will last for quite sometime. We do not refrigerate our fresh eggs. They came into this world warm and fresh, why ruin that.

I now have tiny piles of sticks and rotting leaves throughout the backyard. It was my daily dose of sunshine.

No call from work. No call from disability.

I have found myself at a loss in my MMORPG, but I know that I will eventually find my way. It's like my brain. I am lost, but with time and rest I will find what I need to make me happy and keep my Bipolar II and Social Anxiety at bay.

My beloved partner is grateful for the work I've done today. If that had been all I had done today, it would have been enough. I also ran the dishwasher, and will unload it.

This evening I spend alone, when the demons come out and haunt my mind. When the thought of death lingers, and my mind comes up with the many ways that I could accomplish such things. The only thing that keeps me going is that I do not wish for my loving partner to find me that way.

I have 3 amazing partners, as I am polyamorous. I believe that one can love more than one person. As time passes I realize I need to be more honest with all of them. I want to be the perfect lover and the perfect partner. I want to hold that sacred ground for them. I want them to know that I love them beyond all means of measure. But to hide how I feel about myself does no good for them. My greatest fear is losing anyone of them because of my illness and my honestly about it.

My loving partner, the one I have been with for over 5 years now, is working towards things that he can do to alleviate some of my pain and boost my self worth and the true meaning of our relationship.

I am blessed for all I have. 3 lovers and a 4th that will love me to the end of the earth.

Although I wish to cut, although I wish from time to time to die. I hold to the pain that I would cause those that love me most. Friends come and go, but true love will never die. That is what I hold on to.

I fear that my illness will cause one to need to walk away.

Baby steps. I am slowly moving in the right direction. I am technically still employed. And until my employer calls and says otherwise I will use everything in my power to keep it that way. Once the call is made to me, I will not return to that hell hole. It sucked me dry. It jaded me. It brought out the worst in me. I cannot do that again. I fear returning to any kind of work at this time. I pray that my long-term disability comes through, in order to give me the time I need to find what best suites me. To find my path that makes me happy and to break through the barriers that I have placed before myself.

Sudden Down

It is so easy to go from feeling great to feeling exhausted. 

With the joy I found I talking with someone about my emotional/mental health problems, I practically bounced to the nearest library and checked out 3 books I hope will help me find my way. 

I went home singing. I was delighted to find 3 eggs inthe chicken coop. I felt like I was in control. But as I gathered my supplies to start my work towards self discovery I became overwhelmed. I started to feel light headed and ill. 

So, for the first time I have allowed my afternoon pill take me away to sleep and physical rest. I did eat lunch and tried to stay out of my bed, but in the end I let my depression win. 

My lovely partner is on his way home and I strongly desire to greet him with a smile and hope for better days. 

I worry I am tearing our relationship apart. The afternoons and evenings are the hardest for me and the times when he needs me most.