It seems so easy. To go out in public. To interact with people. It's easy to see my interactions and assume that I'm doing better.
What people don't see is the tears I shed after making a phone call. A painless, easy phone call.
What people don't see is the pounding of my heart and the shaking of my body as I try to keep the tears at bay. As I try to remind myself that what I did was good and something that was needed to be done.
I went to a wonderful gather a few weekends ago. Good people. Good food. And when my part of the night was through, a safe and comfortable bed to sleep in.
What people didn't see is the frantic me as I ran through the house shaking, packing my bag for the night. Questioning if this was a good idea. My partner reminding me at every turn that this is good for me and that he supported me to go.
That Sunday, I was invited to the Hot Springs with my wonderful Host and Hostess, along with 2 other great friends.
What people didn't see was my heart pounding in my chest.
What people didn't see was my mind second guessing itself.
What people didn't see was my worry that my partner hadn't responded to my texts and I worried about what he thought about my going. (Even though I knew he'd tell me to go and have a good time. Even though I knew that his schedule was full that day and it wouldn't matter if I was at home or elsewhere.)
What people don't see is my need to have permission.
What people don't know is that I'm still learning how to be my own person and how to make my own choices.
My partner was gone this long weekend past. He was camping. Most people there wished I had been there. (Upon hearing about the weather, I'm glad I wasn't.) I kinda went off grid myself.
I didn't post much on Facebook. I didn't blog.
I played World of Warcraft with my family in another state.
I watched more Deep Space Nine (DS9).
I cried.
I took care of the animals.
It rained a lot.
The grass grew too tall, so did the weeds. So I mowed the lawn to avoid a fine from the city.
I anxiously awaited my birthday gift from my long-distance partner whom I've known for over 20 years. (He is my oldest friend.)
Monday I anxiously waited in the evening for my partner to come home. I watched from the living room window and jumped every time a car drove by. Anxiety surrounded me even then.
Anxiety is the scariest things for me. It is something I am unfamiliar with and I do not know how to handle. I'm uncertain if anyone learns how to handle it.
What I do know is that for me, anxiety is crippling. And due to my lack of control over it, I cry and cry, because I can't stop it. Because despite the good I do, it is still overwhelming.
Showing posts with label MMORPG. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MMORPG. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Chickens and the meaning of my life at this time.
We own chickens. They are such a delight to see. They are one of my motivations to get out of bed each day. We got 6 eggs today. Spring is certainly upon us.
In my need, and knowing that I need,I went out to the back yard and racked up the leaves/sticks into little piles throughout the yard.
The chickens bring me such joy. We got 6 eggs today. I feed them not only their food, but also their chicken scratch, which full of fat. That combined with the water intake produces some amazing eggs. Eventually we will have to cull them. They will then provide us with even more food. I love them. I enjoy them roaming the back yard , when they aren't limited to their chicken run.
I love that spring as sprung. We are getting to a point where we are overflowing with eggs. Before long we will be selling/bartering with our eggs, as we will not be able to keep up with how much they produce. The plus side, fresh chicken eggs will last for quite sometime. We do not refrigerate our fresh eggs. They came into this world warm and fresh, why ruin that.
I now have tiny piles of sticks and rotting leaves throughout the backyard. It was my daily dose of sunshine.
No call from work. No call from disability.
I have found myself at a loss in my MMORPG, but I know that I will eventually find my way. It's like my brain. I am lost, but with time and rest I will find what I need to make me happy and keep my Bipolar II and Social Anxiety at bay.
My beloved partner is grateful for the work I've done today. If that had been all I had done today, it would have been enough. I also ran the dishwasher, and will unload it.
This evening I spend alone, when the demons come out and haunt my mind. When the thought of death lingers, and my mind comes up with the many ways that I could accomplish such things. The only thing that keeps me going is that I do not wish for my loving partner to find me that way.
I have 3 amazing partners, as I am polyamorous. I believe that one can love more than one person. As time passes I realize I need to be more honest with all of them. I want to be the perfect lover and the perfect partner. I want to hold that sacred ground for them. I want them to know that I love them beyond all means of measure. But to hide how I feel about myself does no good for them. My greatest fear is losing anyone of them because of my illness and my honestly about it.
My loving partner, the one I have been with for over 5 years now, is working towards things that he can do to alleviate some of my pain and boost my self worth and the true meaning of our relationship.
I am blessed for all I have. 3 lovers and a 4th that will love me to the end of the earth.
Although I wish to cut, although I wish from time to time to die. I hold to the pain that I would cause those that love me most. Friends come and go, but true love will never die. That is what I hold on to.
I fear that my illness will cause one to need to walk away.
Baby steps. I am slowly moving in the right direction. I am technically still employed. And until my employer calls and says otherwise I will use everything in my power to keep it that way. Once the call is made to me, I will not return to that hell hole. It sucked me dry. It jaded me. It brought out the worst in me. I cannot do that again. I fear returning to any kind of work at this time. I pray that my long-term disability comes through, in order to give me the time I need to find what best suites me. To find my path that makes me happy and to break through the barriers that I have placed before myself.
In my need, and knowing that I need,I went out to the back yard and racked up the leaves/sticks into little piles throughout the yard.
The chickens bring me such joy. We got 6 eggs today. I feed them not only their food, but also their chicken scratch, which full of fat. That combined with the water intake produces some amazing eggs. Eventually we will have to cull them. They will then provide us with even more food. I love them. I enjoy them roaming the back yard , when they aren't limited to their chicken run.
I love that spring as sprung. We are getting to a point where we are overflowing with eggs. Before long we will be selling/bartering with our eggs, as we will not be able to keep up with how much they produce. The plus side, fresh chicken eggs will last for quite sometime. We do not refrigerate our fresh eggs. They came into this world warm and fresh, why ruin that.
I now have tiny piles of sticks and rotting leaves throughout the backyard. It was my daily dose of sunshine.
No call from work. No call from disability.
I have found myself at a loss in my MMORPG, but I know that I will eventually find my way. It's like my brain. I am lost, but with time and rest I will find what I need to make me happy and keep my Bipolar II and Social Anxiety at bay.
My beloved partner is grateful for the work I've done today. If that had been all I had done today, it would have been enough. I also ran the dishwasher, and will unload it.
This evening I spend alone, when the demons come out and haunt my mind. When the thought of death lingers, and my mind comes up with the many ways that I could accomplish such things. The only thing that keeps me going is that I do not wish for my loving partner to find me that way.
I have 3 amazing partners, as I am polyamorous. I believe that one can love more than one person. As time passes I realize I need to be more honest with all of them. I want to be the perfect lover and the perfect partner. I want to hold that sacred ground for them. I want them to know that I love them beyond all means of measure. But to hide how I feel about myself does no good for them. My greatest fear is losing anyone of them because of my illness and my honestly about it.
My loving partner, the one I have been with for over 5 years now, is working towards things that he can do to alleviate some of my pain and boost my self worth and the true meaning of our relationship.
I am blessed for all I have. 3 lovers and a 4th that will love me to the end of the earth.
Although I wish to cut, although I wish from time to time to die. I hold to the pain that I would cause those that love me most. Friends come and go, but true love will never die. That is what I hold on to.
I fear that my illness will cause one to need to walk away.
Baby steps. I am slowly moving in the right direction. I am technically still employed. And until my employer calls and says otherwise I will use everything in my power to keep it that way. Once the call is made to me, I will not return to that hell hole. It sucked me dry. It jaded me. It brought out the worst in me. I cannot do that again. I fear returning to any kind of work at this time. I pray that my long-term disability comes through, in order to give me the time I need to find what best suites me. To find my path that makes me happy and to break through the barriers that I have placed before myself.
Medical Bills / MMORPGs
I stayed at Mountain Crest, a mental health facility from 9/30/2013-10/03/2013 as I was suicidal and had completely lost my capacity function in the "normal" world.
I have been putting off my medical bill that I have been receiving for the past few months. I finally got my last "warning" bill in the mail yesterday.
It took all the strength I had to call them today and set up payment plans, as the thought of my bill being sent to a collection agency did not appeal to me. Thankfully I found money in my HSA account and was able to use some of our tax return money to lower how much I owed. Sadly they would not take that as a paid in full amount. Although I asked for it and indicated I was on disability. The good news is that I only have to make a rather small payment of $50 for 8.5 months. I sure hope we can swing it.
I still have not heard from my employer nor from long-term disability. I am frightened beyond belief to call about my long-term disability. And I question if I should or not. Technically they have 30 some odd days to get back to me with an answer, although I was lead to believe that I should receive an answer before that time. My partner tried to lift my spirits by indicating that not hearing so soon may mean they are "dragging" their feet as to when they will start paying my long-term disability. In the mean time I worry about getting all of our bills paid on time. Especially our mortgage payment.
"All good things come to those who wait." But at the same time, if I take no action, will nothing good come from it? On top of my bipolar II I also suffer from severe anxiety. The phone call I made today was a huge thing for me. It was something I knew I could not ask my partner to do, although I severely wanted him to.
To help with my sanity, which at times I feel slipping away, I have "adjusted" my meds to take my anti-anxiety pill once in the morning and once again at noon. So now I have alarms for 9am, Noon, 3pm, and 9pm. Again, my life is subscribed of when I take my pills. But I feel that my taking my anti-anxiety pill once at 9am and again at Noon will help keep the edge off and possibly keep me from having a severe panic attack.
I cannot separate good days from bad days (although sometimes that does happen) but rather by good moments and bad moments. Getting out of bed is a huge struggle, and if not for the animals we have, it is quite possible that I wouldn't not get out of bed.
I am playing an MMORPG that is very new to me, Lord of the Rings. I am enjoying it. As I know the "trilogy" as well as The Hobbit, so I find connections with the quests I do and the things I see. Thus far I've noticed that this is the plight of the dwarfs during the same time that Frodo is seeking to destroy the ring, as in the trilogy it was hinted at the dwarfs having their own battles to fight. It keeps my mind occupied as to what will happen next. I am just now leaving the starting area, as I'm taking it a few quests at a time. One thing I have learned from previous MMORPGs is that the longer you linger in the starting area and the higher your level when you leave, the easier life will be outside of the starting area. I am also pleased to say that I do not play for hours on end, but quite possibly 30 minutes here and 30 minutes there.
I chose a race that is very new to me, and quite different from a dwarf on World of Warcraft, and a class I am not familiar with, Hunter. I still question if, as a Hunter, I get a pet, as one does in WoW, time shall tell.
Once SPARX is out of Beta testing I will also start playing that, as I believe it will also help give me coping skills to deal with my depression and anxiety. At this time once cannot create and save a character, thus each time you enter the game you start all over. This might work for some, but again, I do not want to spend too much of my time sitting in front of my computer playing a game I cannot save.
I have been putting off my medical bill that I have been receiving for the past few months. I finally got my last "warning" bill in the mail yesterday.
It took all the strength I had to call them today and set up payment plans, as the thought of my bill being sent to a collection agency did not appeal to me. Thankfully I found money in my HSA account and was able to use some of our tax return money to lower how much I owed. Sadly they would not take that as a paid in full amount. Although I asked for it and indicated I was on disability. The good news is that I only have to make a rather small payment of $50 for 8.5 months. I sure hope we can swing it.
I still have not heard from my employer nor from long-term disability. I am frightened beyond belief to call about my long-term disability. And I question if I should or not. Technically they have 30 some odd days to get back to me with an answer, although I was lead to believe that I should receive an answer before that time. My partner tried to lift my spirits by indicating that not hearing so soon may mean they are "dragging" their feet as to when they will start paying my long-term disability. In the mean time I worry about getting all of our bills paid on time. Especially our mortgage payment.
"All good things come to those who wait." But at the same time, if I take no action, will nothing good come from it? On top of my bipolar II I also suffer from severe anxiety. The phone call I made today was a huge thing for me. It was something I knew I could not ask my partner to do, although I severely wanted him to.
To help with my sanity, which at times I feel slipping away, I have "adjusted" my meds to take my anti-anxiety pill once in the morning and once again at noon. So now I have alarms for 9am, Noon, 3pm, and 9pm. Again, my life is subscribed of when I take my pills. But I feel that my taking my anti-anxiety pill once at 9am and again at Noon will help keep the edge off and possibly keep me from having a severe panic attack.
I cannot separate good days from bad days (although sometimes that does happen) but rather by good moments and bad moments. Getting out of bed is a huge struggle, and if not for the animals we have, it is quite possible that I wouldn't not get out of bed.
I am playing an MMORPG that is very new to me, Lord of the Rings. I am enjoying it. As I know the "trilogy" as well as The Hobbit, so I find connections with the quests I do and the things I see. Thus far I've noticed that this is the plight of the dwarfs during the same time that Frodo is seeking to destroy the ring, as in the trilogy it was hinted at the dwarfs having their own battles to fight. It keeps my mind occupied as to what will happen next. I am just now leaving the starting area, as I'm taking it a few quests at a time. One thing I have learned from previous MMORPGs is that the longer you linger in the starting area and the higher your level when you leave, the easier life will be outside of the starting area. I am also pleased to say that I do not play for hours on end, but quite possibly 30 minutes here and 30 minutes there.
Once SPARX is out of Beta testing I will also start playing that, as I believe it will also help give me coping skills to deal with my depression and anxiety. At this time once cannot create and save a character, thus each time you enter the game you start all over. This might work for some, but again, I do not want to spend too much of my time sitting in front of my computer playing a game I cannot save.
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