It's Embarrassing...

It's embarrassing to tell people that I'm on disability.
It's embarrassing that the company who is paying my long term disability is working on the paperwork for me to apply Social Security Disability Insurance.
It's embarrassing that I question everything I do. I questioned the entire time I was at Beltania if I should be there or not.
It was embarrassing that I couldn't push past the anxiety to play a nymph at the Pan Ritual, despite my bringing everything I needed.
It's embarrassing that after I go and do something good that's difficult (something as simple as buying pet food across town) that I cry all the way home repeating to myself that "I did good."
It's embarrassing that I can't remember my social security number and have to try three times before getting it right.
It's embarrassing that I can't handle going places alone and when I do go with someone somewhere I get overwhelmed by the people.
It's embarrassing that I find my triumphs in daily things that shouldn't be difficult, like loading and unloading the dishwasher, like doing laundry, keeping the house clean, dragging my ass out of bed every morning to feed the chickens.
It's embarrassing that I'm in tears as I write these words.
It's embarrassing...

Nervous phone calls. Coping skills.

I finally got a call from my employer, at least someone from the main office in regards to my short term disability ending.

It was a stressful phone call. Much more stressful than it should have been. I am a geek; therefore, after a few tears I turned on Star Trek TNG and starting working on another afghan. TNG sooths me (once TNG is over I will move on to DS9 and then Voyager) and the crocheting keeps me productive (I hope to sell them as they are completed.)

 


The Anxiety has subsided. I long to sleep, to rest a while after dealing with that phone call. But it's another day and another moment in time. It is a shame that such phone calls cause such reactions in me. I start to tear up on the phone and then once it is over and the phone is disconnected I cry like a baby.

I question my every movement and every thought.

I've made another loaf of bread today, this time unseasoned. I hope it turns out well and we can use this recipe on a more regular bases instead of buying manufactured bread. This too makes me feel good when providing for my family.

I meet with my therapist once again tomorrow. She has been on vacation for 2 weeks. Long-term disability is awaiting her notes in regards to my case. I am hoping that this is just part of their standard procedure and that a decision has practically decided, as I was informed yesterday how much I would be receiving each month and that it would be for a 24 month period.

Showing Mental Illness / Dealing With the Work Environment

Those with depression hide behind a smile. I was raised to say please and thank you, to be polite to those I meet. This is a facade. This makes it appear as though there is nothing wrong with me, because my struggles are within my mind and no one can see that. I don't have a broken arm. My hair isn't falling out from chemo. My eyes aren't turning yellow due to jaundice.

But my head hurts. My body aches. The voices say I'm better off not being here. I'm a damned good liar. To myself and to others when it comes to how I'm feeling. If I told the truth, would you really want to hear it?

I overslept today. I just didn't want to get out of bed. The weather is warming up and I knew I couldn't keep the chickens in their coop any longer, it just isn't fair to them. My alarm went off at 9am. I got out of bed around 9:45am.

I still carry my cell phone around, waiting for a call that I don't know when will come. And I still fear answering it. I struggle with feeding myself. I struggle still with changing my clothes.

The heat is off. It's warm outside. I don't know if I should open a window or turn the heat back on. I'm always cold.

The plant that used to sit on my desk at work. 

I'm haunted by my evil manager that wanted to "discuss" with me how I dress for work. At the time I'd been there for almost 4 years, she had only been there for 6 months. I will never know what her problem was with how I dressed. In the 4 years I was there I was never called into HR about violating the company dress code. I was never pulled aside by my once supervisor to discuss if I was out of code/standards. I called my evil managers bluff and said I'd be more than happy to take this to HR, has I had been there often in the past view days and not once was it brought up (and believe me, it would have been brought up if it was a problem). Amazingly the "meeting to discuss me" abruptly ended and she would give no explanation to any of her issues with me. I hate that confrontation still haunting me. She was laid off a few days later. Laid off, not fired for her "crimes" against her employees. I am proud to say that I stood up for myself and for my fellow co-workers. I am proud to say that not once did I cry (which is what I typically do when I start discussing things I know to be true and honest). Not crying just indicates how far gone I had gotten with her and her bullying, her picking of favorites and her desire to get rid of those she did not like nor care for. This event was the straw that eventually broke my back. That sent me over the edge. I could no longer play the game and no longer would. Companies question why they can't keep their employees, why we jump from job to job to job. It's really quite simple. We, the employee, dedicate all that we have to ensure that the company stays in the green and in the end we don't even get a simple "Thank you.". We are treated like cattle.

I will not live my life in such a way that causes me to feel that death is the only answer to escape because the world has now been set up that each household much have two working adults in order to make ends meet.