This Is My Struggle.

I've had this horrible case of anxiety since yesterday afternoon, despite all the good I've done this past weekend and the knowledge that all I can do is wait and see.

I have no control of when the phone rings.
I have no control of who it will be on the other end.
I have done everything that I can on my end to defend my case for Long-term disability.
I do not know if/when my employer will call me, I only assume. Maybe I should stop.

Despite all these things I still get this tightness in my chest. I still get tears in my eyes. I still feel like I'm better off dead. But I'm still here. For some reason I'm still fighting. Even in my darkest moments, I'm still fighting.

I'm still struggling to function feeling the way that I do.
It's a struggle to open the curtains in the morning and let the light in.
It's a struggle to get out of bed and care for the cats, fish and chickens.
It's a struggle to take my pills. I live by my alarm clock. 9am; 3pm; 9pm everyday.
It's a struggle to feed myself.
It's a struggle to change my clothes.
It's a struggle to shower on a regular basis.
It's a struggle to keep the kitchen clean. (Even if it's just a few things that need to be taken care of.)
It's a struggle to check the mail.
It's a struggle to walk out my front door.
It's a struggle to get in my car.
It's a struggle to go somewhere.
It's a struggle to keep my appointments.
It's a struggle to keep the plants watered.
It's a struggle to keep the house clean.

I check out books from the library in hopes that they hold the answers to my struggles. My struggles. Read them and laugh. They seem so petty. These are things that people do everyday of their lives and don't think twice. But these are things that I struggle with.

This is my Bipolar II.
This is my Anxiety.
This is my mind out of balance.
This is my struggle.
This is my head fighting made up demons.
This is my soul crying out to the gods.
These are my tears that fall when I can't answer the phone, even when I know I should.
This is my heart breaking as I feel the ability to have control slip further and further from me.

I cannot control what passes my way today. I can only control how I choose to let it affect me.
I cannot/should not allow the unknown to affect me as it does.
These words are hollow.
I still fear.
But I still carry my cell phone with me everywhere I go, so I don't miss a call.
So I don't miss a call that I might not answer.