Highs and Lows

I've been wavering between highs and lows.

Mostly lows. They are ugly. Mostly mentally ugly. I never knew how cruel my mind could be to me. Suicide. Ideas on how to do it. Thoughts of my uselessness. It is difficult to do a lot of things that should be simple. 

I am luckily to shower once a week, except on that rare occasion when someone is visiting me or I am going out to see people. Which again is rare. 

I understand my own body smell. So I tend to avoid the truly ick that could surround me. 

Of course if it weren't for my partner I most likely wouldn't eat at all and lords know what my living space would look like. 

You should see how often I bother to change my clothes. I hide this from the few guests I get or if I must fo out. 

Last week I went through more "paper work" for Social Security. It was heart wrenching. The questions that were asked of me. The most buzzar was if I was a righty or lefty. Both I and my Rep were uncertain why. But other questions were invasive, simply reminding me just how fucked my head is. Needless to say, after that phone call everything was off. 

Sometime last week I was in such a horrible place that my partner came home from work to be there for me. I am grateful that he can work from home fr time to time. 

My manic also came out last week. It was evening. The laundry was piled high, the kitchen was a mess. While my partner was out that evening I went nuts. I put away 3 loads of laundry and started a 4th. I also cleaned the kitchen. Not just the dishes but the counters, stove top and the mess the coffee maker makes now. It was nuts. I think I might have cleaned the fish tank too. 

Today, right now, I'm at a 5 out of 10. 10 being extremely suicidal and 1/0 being just fine. Today has been more anxious than depressed. But again, that could change for no reason at all.

Last week I also ordered a book that was highly recommended by my old psychiatrist, The Anatomy of the Spirit: The Seven Stages of Power and Healing by Caroline Myss.