Cheshire Kitten (We're All Mad Here) By SJ Tucker

Friendships

I struggle with friendships, I always have. There are many reasons for this, I am sure. The first that comes to mind is that I grew up as a Navy Brat. We moved every two years, and this was before the internet age. Staying in touch was always difficult. Long distance phone calls cost 10 cents per minute. Postage stamps were much cheaper, but it's hard to write to old friends when you're busy trying to fit in to the new place you've found yourself dropped.

Even as an adult I moved, a lot, probably the same pattern as when I was a child, every two years. I never had to deal with the struggles of true friendship. I acted like a kid and I wrote people off when I moved. It was easier that way. I didn't have to face/deal with troublesome friendships. I never learned to stand up for myself when I was wronged, and I never learned to apologize when I had wronged another.

Now I find myself in a different way of life. I don't get the choice of running (ok, I have that choice, but I choose not to, I have found home, finally). But what that means is that when a friendship gets shaky I have to learn to "deal with it"/handle it. Possibly fix it. Possibly find a way to let bygones be bygones. Thankfully, the first guy I dated here doesn't run in the same circles as I do, so when our relationship ended, I didn't have to deal with seeing him anywhere I went. I just finally let him go and life went on.

But now, now, with my long list of emotional problems I've found that I've said things without thinking them through to ensure that my thoughts were conveyed properly. I have apologized for those wrongs when they were pointed out to me. I was pained that I had caused another pain in such a way. However, the problem keeps creeping up. The issue won't die. I do not know how to handle it anymore. My fight or flight instinct is kicking in and I find myself straddling the fence. The circles we mix in are too close. Way too close.

Now I find myself having to decide how do I handle this issue, and an issue that is bound to happen in the future in some fashion with some other person. I am not a confrontational person. Infact it makes me quite uncomfortable and I do everything I can to avoid them. (Possibly something I need to get over, but that's for later.)

How do I make an issue die that I do not believe is still a standing issue? I am torn between "bowing" to this person's request and standing by my own convictions that this "confrontation" is unwarranted, useless and unneeded.

I do not know how to handle friendships. When things go too far wrong I write them off. I have learned to not wish them any ill-will. I have learned to not speak poorly about them to others. I have found that if I suddenly find myself in the same room/at the same function, that I become very insecure and very reserved. My anxiety increases and I do my best to simply avoid the person, as that is how I protect myself.

I will not go into details about this specific situation, as this blog is not meant to be a place where I drop my trash and speak ill of anyone, much less name them or make it obvious who they are. Not on a personal level at least.

So I struggle with deciding if I accept to meet with this person in order to discuss "things". Or do I stand by what I think is the right and healthy thing for me to do and not meet as I feel there is nothing to "discuss". We both have our lives and our circles overlap and if we're true adults than we simply acknowledge each other's presence and move on.

It is wrong of me to allow one person, of all the people that populate this planet, to control me such a manner. I wish I could find the switch that turns off the anxiety and turn on the one that can simply let this be. The conflict with this is that it's not just me, it's this other person as well. As long as either one of use keeps bringing it up, it will never go away. And I personally have found that there is no reason to continue bringing it up.

At this time I am not in a position to try to rekindle this friendship. At this time I can hardly keep myself together, much less deal with someone else who is also suffering from similar emotional problems as myself. But in doing nothing, it affects my private, intimate, personal relationships, and quite frankly, that's wrong and sad.

I want to choose flight, and I would, if it didn't mean losing someone else that is very dear to me. I will not allow anyone to have that much control over my life and my choices.

So I vent here, as calmly as I can. I try to find my inner peace and that quiet spot within myself, that right now is very tiny which I'm working on growing.

I'm tired of rehashing old shit. I'm tired of the past affecting my present so much. But I also know that I am in no state to stand up for myself, at least not in person. I wish I was that person, and someday I will learn how to do so in an intelligent fashion. Today is not that day.

I don't need this drama. I care not for this drama. I care not for stirring the pot. I care not for reopening old wounds. And I hate that those I love have been caught in the middle of it all.

One Day At A Time

I had my last visit with my psychiatrist today through the program I found her. We're keeping my meds the same. Although adding lithium to the list was discussed. We decided we'd let that option be explored when I find a permanent psychiatrist. 

The whole morning was filled with anxiety as I dealt with the drive and then the meeting. I find it difficult to determine if the medication is working or not. What's normal? What's not? My gut wants to say nothing is working. But I can't be certain of that. I've tried so many medications it's unreal. 

On the plus side of the day I managed to clean out all the litter boxes and take a shower. Most of the dirty dishes are in the dishwasher. 

I feel the urge to cut again. I think it has more to do with wanting to show the outside world that I hurt inside. As I cut the back of my hands, a place very difficult to hide.

Tonight I go to a healing meditation: Meditative Sound Healing Journey. I'm nervous. I don't meditate well. My mind is so cluttered and out of balance with myself. I'm hoping that by trying these new alternative ways of reaching my true inner core and better understanding myself that I'll find a way to better manage my depression and anxiety. 

Mandalas

When I left the hospital many months ago I started coloring mandalas. It brought me strength and something to focus on and keep myself from letting my mind to wander into places unwanted. 

For quite sometime I have stopped this form of meditation. 

I now find myself returning to this form of meditation. 

I find that this is a form of meditation that I practice when I find myself going deep within myself. This is a dark place, but I hope with the colors and hope of better things to come, despite my sorrow and uncertainty of where life is taking me. 

An Anxious Trip Out of the House

So I've had this Sees Candy gift card in my wallet since last May. (I know, I know.) I've been too anxious to drive one town over to get something. Well, I thought the day after Easter would be a smashing idea. Good chocolate at a discounted price.

I started to chicken out.

I went to their website, hoping to find discounted items, no such luck, and the one item I did find would have required an additional $8 shipping and handling! (No thank you!)

So after much inner struggle with myself, I managed to find myself sitting in my car and slowly driving towards the shop. Oh, and did I mention it's the same route, for most of the way, to my old job? Talk about anxiety city.

I failed to take my anti-anxiety pill before I left. (I'm still recovering from the anxiety of this trip.) But somehow I made it. And I didn't even buy anything on discount. ;)

I was almost in tears all the way home. It's tough having social anxiety. (Having anxiety period.) I should feel proud of myself, getting dressed, getting in the car, making that drive outside my comfort zone (and so close to my old employer), then to walk into a rather small store and feel very out of place walking in circles trying to determine if I buy the chocolate bunny (uncertain if it's hollow or not), or find something else. I finally picked the above, and only spent a little over a dollar for it. 

I did good. I did good. I feel anxious as hell. I feel this huge knot building in my chest. I shouldn't feel this way. I should feel at least happy that I have chocolate in the house, but I don't. I'm in tears. But, as Bilbo put it, I made it "there and back again". 

Interesting developments. What should/shouldn't a therapist tell their clients?

I still haven't heard about disability. I do know that they are still investigating my claim, as my therapist made it clear that she had spent about $12 in faxing them things and was on the phone with them about 6 times in the past week.

I believe it was her way of making me feel guilty for complaining about how it's difficult for my family to pay the $16 I give her each week to sit and gossip about my previous week. I was officially marked as unemployed as of the 11th of April. My partner and I are at a serious crossroads in our life and I started to complain about my worries and fears. I fought with her for the first time (and quite possibly the last, I am uncertain how she has managed to remain a therapist as long as she has, given that she cannot handle a foul word coming from my mouth, nor can she handle it when I get upset).

It is wrong and out of place to make one in an emotional state that I am in to feel guilty for her doing her job. I know that she normally charges $100 per visit. I don't know how many clients she has, nor do I know many pay her full price, it's not my business to know. But I found her behaviour highly inappropriate. These last two weeks have been pure hell for me, and when I go to seek help from my therapist, some form of comfort or reassurance that x may be the cause of y and this is how I can face these issues, I'm made to feel bad and she throws her hands in the air as though I'm a lost cause. (Has she never had a patient in her 20+ years of work behave has I had that day?)

I have one more visit with her through the program I'm in. I am uncertain if I'll use it. I meet with my psychiatrist this Thursday, through the same program. I'm going to find the strength to find out what I can do to find a new therapist and if there is anything they can do to help me in the mental health department, as this Thursday is supposed to be my last visit with my psychiatrist.

For now it's a hurry up and wait situation.

I Did Good. I Did Good.

It's time to refill my prescriptions, I was nervous as hell as to how much that was going to cost us. Called Walgreens, it was going to be $109! I can't afford that. I overwhelmed myself by doing a ton of research online for prescription help to keep the cost low. (It's amazing how the pharmaceutical industry, and it is an industry, tries to screw everyone over! (Cash price: $300 something; Discount price: $12. How is that even possible?) So, I bit the bullet and got in the car (huge step for me and a huge amount of anxiety as well), and drove over to Safeway (it's just down the road for me, there are cheaper places, but they are too far from my home for me to feel comfortable going to on my own). After giving all my information to have my prescriptions transferred, I was told that the cost would be closer to $50 based on their contracts with certain pharmaceuticals.

I was told it would take about 2 hours to happen. I drove home with tears in my eyes and reminded myself multiple times that I did good. I did good. I found a way to help save my family money.

And then I got to replace a circuit board all on my own and it worked! :D (I've never done something like that befores, closest I've come to it was building a PC.) So I'm proud of myself and yet I'm still filled with anxiety.

Repeat after me, "I did good. I did good."

Did I also mention that 2 load of laundry are almost done and the dishes are washed?