Robin Williams and Depression and Sucide

I have spent my waking hours today crying over #RobinWilliams. I have spent the last few days crying over his death and #suicide. I never realized just how much he played such a pivotal role in my life. I believe he lived his life for as long as he could making people laugh to hide his pain. Sadly his #depressiongot the better of him. The laughter he was hiding behind was no longer enough. It was not a selfish act. His suicide was his choice to make the pain he was hiding from go away. The laughter was no longer enough. He is/was loved the world over and although we mourn such an amazing man and feel so strongly of this tragedy, one can only hope that through this selfless act that #depressionAwareness will become more prevalent. 

That #mentalIlnesswill be finally acknowledged for the disease it is. And a better understanding of how there is so little known about this disease and more needs to be done to acknowledge it and help do something about. We run for Breast Cancer and the like. Why can't we form a foundation that support the research on better understanding the human mind and causes mental illness and how we can at least find better ways to address it head-on. All of those that suffer from #depression and have multiple thoughts of #suidice each day and have sought help, all that is done is pushing one pill after another hoping something will work. I think I'm on medications 10 and 11. And they aren't working. What is left? 

Robin held on for so long. He hid is much longer than I was able to. At 33 I broke. At 33 I was admitted into a mental ward that did little for me, but keep me on a 72 hour hold. I took my meds. Slept and from time to time participated in group sessions. There was no individual counseling. There was no guidance once I left the facility. It became obvious that this facility showed more emphases on children/young adults than they did about adults suffering from alcohol abuse, manic episodes, hearing voices (talking to god/Jesus) and those just dopes up on too many drugs. 

At 34 I'm still trying to fight the fight. It's one I feel I'm slowly losing. Will I ever see the age of 63? My mother didn't quite make it to 55. 

(Sister on left, Mom on right. Probably one the happiest days of her life when I got married for the 2nd time and she was there to "run" the whole event. I let her plan everything.)

The picture at the end of the video is the last known picture of my mom.

She showed so much happiness. Although her death is seen due to illness. Truly it was a slow form of suicide as she refused to seek medical help for something that was most likely very treatable. 

Can I manage this debilitating disease for another 20 years? 30? I just don't know anymore. 

Should I leave this world of my own choosing, it won't be because those around me didn't try hard enough to "make me better". It won't be because I know how much they love and care about me. It will be because I can no longer fight the monster within me that I just can't seem to control anymore.